


Found and Lost again - A woman’s journey to the barricade and back

by citoyenne



Category: Les Misérables - All Media Types
Genre: Background Les Amis de l'ABC, Canon Compliant, Canon Era, Canonical Character Death, Crossdressing, Family, Gen, On The Barricade, Original Character(s), POV Original Female Character, Post-Barricade, Pre-Barricade, enjolras has a sister
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-21
Updated: 2020-09-15
Packaged: 2021-02-28 21:53:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 21
Words: 38,354
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23244331
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/citoyenne/pseuds/citoyenne
Summary: This is the story of Adrienne, who is seeking to get to know her half brother. She will eventually find him, but only to lose him again.This story is thought to be canon compliant addendum, which supplements the stories of a few people who have not made it into Victor Hugo's original story, but nevertheless existed.
Comments: 13
Kudos: 13





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Here we go! I am finally taking all my courage and posting the first part of a story that has grown for quite some time in my mind and deserves to be written down. I'd be thankful for some encouraging thoughts...

It was on a autumn day of 1831 when Adrienne visited her friend Caroline at her new place. She recently got married and moved into this stately Parisian home where she now received her. Her husband was out of the house that day, so there were just the two friends sitting together, drinking some tea and tasting some sweets, while discussing the most various topics that came to their minds.

“Caroline, I don’t know, but currently I feel like there is not enough space for me at home. There is so much pressure on me from my family. Yesterday my mother approached me and said that even my youngest cousin now is meeting with a lovely gentleman and will soon celebrate her engagement. And she is only 23 and I am about to turn 26 next month. But I just don’t feel ready to this.”, said Adrienne with a heavy sigh.

Caroline tried to comfort her friend: “Don’t let yourself be pressured too much. That is not healthy. I am sure that there is someone out there who is the right person for you to spend your life with. And he will enter your life just at the right time.This is what happened to me now. I also had serious doubts for quite some time, if I will ever get married. But all these vanished as soon as I met Philippe.”

“This is exactly what I say, too. If they would listen to me. I don’t want to marry a man just to get married. If I want to marry someone, it must feel right to do so. For me a marriage should not be some sort of social obligation or something like that, but rather a commitment that arises as consequence of the feeling that two human beings share and which implies that they want to spend the rest of the lives together. And I don’t think that such a thing will spark when you use force to initiate it.”

“You are right. That’s why I said: don’t let yourself be stressed by the expectations of your family. And if they pressure you too hard, try to persuade them that this is counterproductive.”

“I will. There are just so many unanswered questions in my life. I don’t know what shall become of me, and I feel like my life is being pushed into the wrong direction. I don’t want to lose the control of my life. I don’t want other people to decide my fate, but live my own life. I don’t want to be liberated from the role of being someone’s daughter just by becoming someone’s wife at the same moment. Why can’t I just be myself for once? I don’t want to lose my freedom.”

“I understand what you mean. And that is totally legitimate. I don’t know if this comforts you, but I don’t feel like I am unfree or anything. Philippe is very understanding. During the week he is mostly in his office, so I am at home alone and dispose over my time freely. And during the weekend and sometimes also in the evening he takes me to the theatre or to a concert. I have learnt so much because of him about music and drama.”

“That’s nice, Caroline, but I think men like him are rare…”

“As I said, everything will come at the right time. Now please try this delicious raspberry pie and and let us talk about something more encouraging…”

Adrienne took a spoonful of the pie and confirmed afterwards:"This is indeed delicious!"

They had talked about this and that, when Adrienne shared another thought that she wondered about:

"There is also one more thing that I keep thinking about these days, while I feel so alienated from my own family and my home. What if there was someone out there whom I could relate to. I keep thinking about my unknown brother a lot these days..."

"I see. And do you think that he could be the answer to your crisis in life?"

"Somehow yes. I can't get rid of the feeling that it might be the fact that I know that there is a brother of mine out there, that makes me feel incomplete."

"So what do you plan to do now?"

"I don't know. For now I never had the courage to even think about how it would be if I knew him in some way. Because I don't want to disappoint my mother. I don't want to reveal her family secret and get her into trouble and possibly myself as well. So I arranged myself with the idea of never getting to know him. But these these days I can't forget about him somehow..."

"Well, I am pretty sure that there is other ways to get to know him, without telling him immediately that you are his sister."

"You are right. I am not even sure if he knows that he has a sister. So maybe he would even not believe me. And yet, I keep asking myself what he is like as a person..."

"As I said, I think there are certainly ways to discover his personality without revealing him how you two are related at first sight... What do you know about him?"

Adrienne thinks about this question for a moment and then says: "I know that he is called Julien Enjolras and that we have the same dad, who is also called Julien Enjolras. Besides that he is said to look quite similar to me. He has blonde hair and blue eyes, just like me. And he comes from the same city my family comes from. And he studies law here in Paris."

At this mention Caroline's eyes started to beam: "I have an idea! Maybe I could ask my brother if he knows him. After all he studies law as well..."


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> An entry of Adrienne's diary gives some insight about her and her brother's backstory...

_26th of September 1831_

_I still remember vividly that day when I first heard about the existence of my brother. I was about 13 years old at the time, when I accidentally overheard the conversation of my mother and her childhood friend Cécile. She is my mum’s last connection to her hometown that she had to leave hastily when she was pregnant with me. They were speaking together confidently, thinking that they were just the two of them. They thought I was already in bed sleeping, but it happened that I couldn’t sleep and therefore I went to the kitchen for a glass of milk. On the way I passed by the door and that is when I heard it. “Julien is growing into a handsome young man. He has turned 12 the other month. He has just the same blond curls like your Adrienne. One can really tell that they have the same father”, said Cecile in a low voice, but loud enough that I could hear. I couldn’t believe my ears and stood there like paralyzed for several minutes until they noticed me. That was when I was introduced to the family’s secret. As I soon realized, everyone in the house, at least to some extent knew about it, even Marie. But everyone was in silent agreement that secrecy shall be observed about the matter, because it would bring disgrace about our family if people knew that I was in reality conceived outside marriage. And that day I learned a different family story than the one I had always known. I had always thought that it was business that drove my family to Paris, but now I learnt the truth. My mother and father knew each other since they were children. And they were genuinely in love. But their love was not meant to be, the Enjolras family had other plans. They had arranged a marriage with the daughter of a socially better off family. Not that my mother’s family would not have been worth it, but the Enjolras apparently thought in other dimensions. Therefore, as soon as they discovered my mother’s pregnancy, my family moved away from my hometown. They did not reject her, luckily, however they managed to arrange a marriage for their daughter, too, not one of love, and not one of social advantages either. But René Dupont was surely respectful to her, and also accepted me as a child of his own. I barely have any memories of him, because he fell gravely ill when I was 4 years old, and died a year later. But he was what I had always seen as my dad. Until that day. In the meantime, one month after my mother’s departure, the marriage of Julien Enjolras and Catherine Delacroix was celebrated. One year later Catherine gave birth to their only son, Julien junior, my half brother. After hearing that story, it took some time, maybe several years, for it to settle down. I had to understand that the idea that I had previously had about my origin did not correspond to the truth. Basically I turned into another person that day. From then on I was sporadically informed about my father’s and brother’s life. But it was more like a distant story of people that I would never got to know, not too different to the stories that my mother had told me about the man I thought it was my father. Then one day, when she came for another visit, Cécile told us that Julien was now studying law here in Paris. That was the first time, his image was about to concreticise in some way. I started wondering if I possibly might run into him at some point in this city, if I would recognize him based on Cécile’s descriptions. But it wasn’t until recently that I started to think more about him. I keep reflecting on what kind of person he might be, what kind of interests he has, what his view is on life, even if he has a fiancé. I don’t know what that is exactly, but I think it is part of a bigger dimension of my life right now. I am longing to finally find out who I am, who I am meant to be. And as long as I don’t know my brother, I feel like there is a undefined, empty part in my life, and that might be what prevents me from going on. Maybe he is the one who will show me the direction of life. Maybe it is also just a silly reverie of a young woman who feels estranged of her own family environment, from the life she is supposed to lead, and who will ultimately end up being an old maid, much to the disgrace of her family. Yet I can’t wipe away this thought any longer. Hopefully I will find a way to get my brother soon..._


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another diary entry that contains Adrienne's cry for self-determination

_30th of September 1831_

_I have never been like the other girls. When my friends shared their dreams about marriage and motherhood, I never could relate that much to that. I mean it is not that I don’t want to be surrounded by family or anything. I actually like the idea of having children around me whom I could teach all the relevant things in life and whose joy would make the day brighter. I also like the idea of having a soulmate with whom I could share my life. However, I think that there is more in life than being just a wife and a mother. For instance, I would love to write books or to draw and paint, for art has been since my early childhood the way I can truly express myself. Whenever I feel lost in this world, which sometimes does not feel like the one I am supposed to be in, I escape to books, to stories in my head: some of them I have read, and some of them I have imagined myself. And when I am not enjoying some fictional adventures, then I am most certainly devouring some books of philosophical, scientific or historical character from our family’s library. I think, there is so much to discover in this world and I am so curious about everything. Some would probably say that this is not what a woman is supposed to do, but I want to find my own way to live. To be myself, to stay myself. And in my world being a woman is none of a obstacle to that. If only my family would think that way too! Also, what would my brother say? Sometimes I wonder if he would be more supportive…_


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Diary entry in which Adrienne discusses some new insights in her brother's life and thinks about that to do next

_10th of October 1831_

_Finally, I have heard from Caroline again. It turns out that she was at a family reunion last Sunday and during that she was able to speak to her brother Pierre. I still can’t believe what she told me! He knows my brother! Not that they are close friends or anything, but he knows who he is. From the way he described Julien to her, it has to be HIM, I mean how many blonde students of Law are there in Paris that are called Julien Enjolras and come from Southern France? Now I need to recapitulate what she told me he said… According to Pierre, he’d actually be quite a good student, but much to the disappointment of his teachers he sometimes makes bad use of his knowledge. Also, he does not seem to get along with some of his professors, because they despise that he tends to question things that they would consider unquestionable. Also, he said that my brother and others have founded some sort of student association, the Society of the Friends of the A B C. They seem to dedicate themselves to the education of children, but there are rumors that seem to indicate quite other things than the upbringing of children to be their goal: the elevation of the Abaissé, the debased, the people. Pierre said that he is not part of that group, but he knows some of its members from university, and he also said that he is not the person to engage in that kind of activities, but he sympathizes with some of their ideas. He also added that if he remembers correctly, they meet at least twice a week, on Tuesdays and Fridays, after the lectures, they tend to meet at a café near the university, it is called Musain. Maybe that is the decisive information I was still missing. I might go to that café and have a look. If I am lucky enough, I could meet him there. It might be easier to get into a café for me than to get to university… My brother, possibly a revolutionary? I am so intrigued._


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adrienne goes to the Musain with Caroline, the Amis appear in this story for the first time, however they close the door behind themselves and in the end everything is open again...

On the morning of the following Tuesday Adrienne was sitting at the desk in her room and tried to focus on the book she was currently reading. It was _Corinne ou l'Italie_ by Germaine de Staël. Somehow however she was struggling to focus on her reading as her thoughts travelled elsewhere again and again. Adrienne was not used to these feelings, normally she would immerse into a story without a problem. But today was different. And Adrienne knew only too well that it was not the book, that caused that unease, it was something else that made her thoughts lose track of the words she read. She was nervous, because today was the day. Today she would discover if her plans succeed or not. 

While Adrienne was sitting there, lost in thought, Marie entered the room, carrying a pile of folded laundry. 

“Good morning Adrienne”, she greeted her with a smile. She looked at Adrienne as she was sitting at her desk, and then added: “Oh, have I disturbed you? I am just bringing some laundry to your wardrobe and then I will be gone again…” 

“No, no, you haven’t…” replied Adrienne, “Good morning Marie”.

In the meantime the laundry was stored, and Marie was standing at the desk, next to Adrienne. 

“What have you planned for today?”, she asked her while softly laying her hand on Adrienne’s shoulder. “It seems to be a very nice day today. Maybe it is one of the last warm days of this year…”

“Well, today in the afternoon, Caroline and I are going to visit the café her brother has talked about. Maybe we are lucky enough and meet Julien. That would be amazing!”

“I see, so today is the day… I wish you lot of luck! I shall let you with your book then…”, concluded Marie. 

She was already halfway out of the door when she asked: “Would you like some tea?”

Adrienne replied: “Yes, please.”

“Then I will bring you some. What flavour do you wish?”

“Apple, please, if there is some.”

* * *

Caroline picked Adrienne up at around four o’clock in the afternoon. Together they walked to place Saint-Michel, where the Café Musain is situated. Her brother had given Caroline the address and it turned out that it was close to the place where Adrienne’s home is. In less than a quarter of an hour of walk the place could be reached. 

The closer they got to the café, the faster Adrienne’s heart started to beat. 

“I am nervous, Caroline”, she murmured. “I don’t know what will happen. I am afraid that I will do something wrong…”

“Don’t worry, Adrienne, everything will be fine. Of course we don’t know what will happen. But don’t think that much. We just go to a café together and that’s all”, replied her friend to calm her down a bit. 

“You’re right. And at most we will get to know some Parisian students. There is nothing wrong about that, right?”

Only a few minutes later they entered the café Musain. The little café was half full at this time of the day. It was smaller than Adrienne had expected, and she was not too sure what she should think of this. On one side that meant that if her brother and his friends really meet here, it would be more likely that she would notice them, but on the other side, she was also afraid that they would notice her, and she was not too sure yet, how she would be prepared for that. At this point Caroline, who had seen a familiar face, startled her out of her thoughts, by whispering to her: “That’s my cousin Maurine”. 

They went over to greet Maurine. Both Maurine and Caroline were happy and surprised at the same time. After Caroline introduced Adrienne to her cousin, it was Maurine’s turn to introduce her companion: “This is Rémy, my fiancé. He studies Medicine. If everything goes well, we will get married in spring. It is so exciting!” Her eyes gleamed as she said this words. 

Maurine invited Caroline and Adrienne to sit with them. Thus they spend their time chatting and drinking coffee. Adrienne also tried to look around a bit at the same time, but she didn’t observe anything particular. 

When they were already sitting there for at least half an hour, Adrienne started to notice that every once in a while, some young men entered the Musain only to leave it again by its back door. Some of them came alone, lost in thoughts, others in pairs or a group of three. Adrienne’s intuition told her that that has to be _ them _ . She even had the feeling that one of them could even have been Julien, judging from his blonde curls and his blue eyes. He didn’t notice her, he even didn’t look at her - or anyone else. He just went straight to the backdoor, in the same way cats tend to ignore us when they have certain goal, keeping their eyes fixed to the direction that leads to it. So they were not meeting simply at the Musain, Adrienne thought, but at a separate place within it. She wondered about what was going on behind that door. She would have liked best to simply follow their example and casually walk through the café to the big secret that lied behind that door, only to saturate her curiosity. But something inside her told her not to. 

She was following a group of students through the room with her eyes when Rémy greeted one of them “Hi Joly!”

“See you tomorrow during the anatomy lesson!”, shouted the addressed back and waved at him. 

That was when Adrienne started to wonder, whether Rémy might know more about the secret of the back door. Thus she decided to ask him: “Do you know what is behind that door?”

“The back room. There’s a group of students who regularly meet there. They debate, drink and have fun together, as far as I know. I don’t frequent this kind of groups, as I am not that much into politics. I rather focus on my studies and hope to finish them successfully soon, so that I can be self-dependent.”, Rémy replied. 

“Well, we are interested in politics, right Caroline?”, observed Adrienne.

Caroline nodded. 

“Do you think there is a way to join their debates?” asked Adrienne, whose curiosity was winning about her shyness. 

“Um, I am not sure, I’d have to ask my fellow student who is one of them, Joly, but I think they want to stay among themselves rather…” 

“He’s right”, said the waitress who happened to overhear the entire conversation - a thought that made Adrienne feel somewhat uncomfortable. “No woman is allowed to the back room, except our dear Lousion who has to pass there to wash the dishes… I am sorry… ”

* * *

They stayed at the café for another hour or so, chatting about this and that. Then Caroline and Adrienne said goodbye to Maurine and Rémy and left the Musain. 

“Too bad that they won’t let us to the back room. I was so convinced that this might be the key to a brighter way, to the answers to my questions...“, Adrienne sighed once they were at the fresh air again. 

“Don’t worry so much, Adrienne, I am sure we will find a way to answer these questions, maybe it needs a few detours, but eventually we’ll get there. After all if one door is closed, it either means that we have not found the right key yet, or that we will have to look for another door that is unlocked”, Caroline tried to comfort her, lying her hand on Adrienne’s shoulder. 

“Maybe you are right… But right now I just feel like everything we did was for nothing. I feel like we have entered a dead end.”

“I would not say that. We maybe advancing only at a walking pace, sometimes having to step back again and find another path, but we are a lot further already. We now where your brother and his friends meet, and actually we  _ have  _ met them. They just don’t know. By the way, have you noticed that one of them who just looked like you. I bet this was him…”

Adrienne nodded: “Yes, I have. You mean the one with the curled blonde hair and the red coat? Who was walking to the back room without any glance to his left or right? Yes I have seen him. And yes, at the very second I noticed him, the feeling arose that this might be my brother. After all, it would fit well to the description my mother’s friend gave of him... “


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adrienne is still willing to know her brother in person, not just to see him from afar, and Marie is afraid her brother might make a wrong choice

Adrienne did not know what to do at that point, whether she should be happy or sad after all these new discoveries. She was almost sure that the young man at the Café Musain was indeed her brother, but at the same time she did not know how to reach out for him. She now may know a bit more about his life, maybe she even saw him in person, but at the same time she felt like a spectator only, unable to interact with him. And yet she now felt clearly that there was no way back, now that she had come that closely, she really felt like she must find a way to get to know him for real. And she did not know how to do this. She might go to the café a few more times, but her intuition said her that he would not notice her. All he had eyes for seemed to be the back room. Maybe she’d have to talk with Caroline again, maybe she and her brother could find a way to reach out to Julien. But under what pretext? That he is the brother she had been looking for so long? But the idea of such a direct confrontation scared Adrienne more than she was unhappy with not knowing him. She fears that he would reject her, a child of his father but not his mother, a bastard after all who would ruin his reputation and that of his family in general. But what other reason could she give to be introduced to that particular student of law? And what if they said she was interested in their political work? But the waitress said there were no women allowed in their group. Maybe they don’t think a woman is suitable for politics? But what if she succeeded in convincing him otherwise? But what if Julien and his friends don’t let her? What if they would not take her seriously because they are not used to women like her? 

* * *

It was on a morning of one of these late October days when Adrienne noticed a change in Maries nature and behavior. Marie who had normally been the most reliable and even-tempered person Adrienne knew, was like a different person that morning. She seemed lost in thought and her facial expression had some otherwise unknown thoughtfulness and melancholy. Marie was absent-minded, a character trait that would be otherwise unfamiliar for her. She even forgot to bring Adrienne fresh underwear, a thing she had never forgotten before. 

While she was getting ready, now also Adrienne’s thoughts started to fill with sorrow. She felt pity seeing Marie like that, whom she knew since childhood, and who always was more of a friend to her than a servant. Should she address her? Ask what was wrong? Or was that perhaps inappropriate?

In the end she brings herself to say something: “Are you ok, Marie? You look so absent today…”

“There is nothing you need to worry about, Adrienne”, Marie replied, while combing Adrienne’s hair. Her voice however told otherwise, even if she tried to push the sorrows away. 

“Marie please, be honest with me. I can literally feel all the question marks and sorrows that go through your mind right now. I am sure it will help you, if you can share them with someone. I am here to listen, if you want to. You know you can trust me”, whispered Adrienne while looking Marie in the eyes. 

Marie sighed and then said: “Good, I guess you're right. But it is not as much of a thing as you now possibly think. I am just a bit worried about my brother, Marcel.”

“What is with him? Is he ill?”, asked Adrienne. 

Once Marie brought herself to speak, the words kept pouring out: “No, no… I am just afraid that he is about to make some bad decisions in his life. He has always been my role model, my elder brother. He has not had it easy in life so far. He lives in pretty unstable conditions. And his wife is now pregnant with their fourth child. He does what he can to maintain the family and so far he has succeeded pretty well. He has always said that this is the most important thing in life. But now that he is moving in revolutionary circles, he has changed a bit. And that is not necessarily in a bad way. He says he has a larger goal now, that goes beyond his individual life. And he says he is more aware now of his rights and thinks that only if he and his fellow workers join together and act there will be more stable conditions at work and in society in general. And actually I think he is right, however I also know that that won’t be that easy. That they will be met with resistance. That he could as well risk prison or even death. And I don’t want to lose my dear brother. And I also keep thinking about his wife and the children.”

Adrienne couldn’t help herself and had to hug Marie. 

“Oh dear, that’s not what I was expecting… So he really is ready to take up arms and everything?”

Marie nodded: “Judging from what he told me, yes. He has not only become more political, but also more radical. I think if the moment would come, he’s totally willing to go on strike or even go to war.”

“Does he know about your objections?”

“Yes, but in the end I don’t think it has a point to argue with him about it. He is an adult man who makes his own choices and certainly would not listen to his younger sister’s advice if revolution was imminent. That’s what makes me so worried today”, she sighed.

She seized the comb again and continued to do Adrienne’s hair, an activity she had interrupted during the emotional discourse she just had helt.

“What about your brother? Have you had any discussion with Caroline on that regard after that afternoon in the café? Or what are your next steps?”, she then asked Adrienne to change the topic.

“I am not really sure, to be honest. I am not sure how to continue. Now that I can say with almost certainty that I have seen them, both my brother and his friends, I can’t just pretend that nothing has happened. So I must find a way to get to know him. But I am not sure how. I don’t want to make anything wrong. And right now I feel like if I do a wrong step, I might lose Julien before I even met him for real. For instance I think that it would be inappropriate to come out as his sister to him directly, because I fear that he would not accept me as such. I don’t know what he would think about his father having procreated a daughter outside marriage… But right now, I feel like the chances as a woman to get to know him are quite small. I mean, he seems to associate with men mostly. As a woman I can’t go to university with him. And now I can’t even go to that back room at the café with him, because these students prefer to stay among themselves there too, just like in university…”

“I see. That’s really not so easy. But what is your dream? What do you wish to achieve?”

“I wish I could meet my brother. I don’t have to meet him as a sister. I could meet him as a friend, too. It would also be enough if I just get to listen to a speech from afar, even. But mostly, I would like to know how his world looks like, what kind of life he lives, what his thoughts are. That’s all. I don’t necessarily have to reveal my true identity to him for that. I would just like to fill that void in my life, in my own biography.”

After that Adrienne stayed silent for a bit, processing what she just heard and said. Then she had an idea. 

“Marie?”, she asked, feeling a bit of guilt arise already. 

“Yes, Adrienne?”

“Am I allowed to ask you something? I feel a bit bad about it, because it might sound like I am trying to make profit out of the very cause of your despair…”

“Yes”, responded Marie, being a bit perplexed about this kind of question.

“Do you think your brother knows the Amis de l’ABC?”, wondered Adrienne. 

“I don’t know. But if that is of help for you, I can ask him. For you I am doing everything”, answered Marie. 

Adrienne’s hair was finally ready. 


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes help comes from unexpected sides...

In the following days nothing remarkable happened. Adrienne tried to distract both herself and Marie with literature and other things. They would go outside to the nature for a walk as long as it was not too cold yet. There they discussed the book she read during the last weeks and of Adrienne’s dreams of becoming an author just like Germaine de Staël.

Adrienne also did a lot of drawing those days, for instance also during that particular moment when Marie observed her. Originally she had come to change the bedding, but now she just could do nothing but marvel at the drawing Adrienne had made. 

“These flowers are stunning!”, she exclaimed.

“Do you think so? It is pretty hard to draw flowers if it is nearly winter and you have no natural example at hand.”

“Adrienne, please stop being that strict to yourself. You don’t deserve to underrate your work in such a manner.”

After a small pause Marie proceeded with a lower voice. “Listen, I have some good news for you.”

“Yes?” Adrienne now turned around. 

“I was finally able to speak with my brother the other day. I didn’t ask him directly whether he know the Society of the Friends of the ABC, but I put it differently. I just asked him if it is just the factory workers that are organizing themselves, or if they have connections with other parts of the society as well. And it turned out that there is a whole network, including men from his factory and his neighbourhood, as well as people from other factories, guilds, but also some organized groups, of whom I don’t remember the name, and with them he also mentioned your Amis de l’ABC. He knows them.”

“Wow. Now I am speechless”, said Adrienne, her face full of excitement. 

“That’s not all. He even mentioned the name of one of them: Bahorel. He has come at some of their meetings to establish a link between the two groups. And he has invited a delegation of his people to come over to the meetings of the Amis de l’ABC. And the last time he was part of that delegation. He’s been there, Adrienne, in the back room.”

“So he knows my brother?”, asked Adrienne, still incredulous. 

“Yes. He knows him. He knows all of the Amis de l’ABC. They are not that numerous actually.”

“Wow. I still don’t know how to process this information. This is amazing!”

“Adrienne, I have an idea. I don’t know if you will approve of it, as it is not something that normally would come to my head. But would you be ready to play the role of a boy - or let’s say a young man?”

“I don’t know. After all I have never been a boy my whole life…”, she admitted with a shy smile. “But I have been a weird girl, so why not pretend to be a weird boy once in a while? As long as I will end up convincing enough not to ridicule myself completely.”

“Don’t worry, we would test that out, before we let you on the streets, right?” 

“Very reassuring.”

“I thought that, considering how well connected your brother’s group seems to be with my brother’s, I might ask Marcel to introduce you to the Amis de l’ABC. And somehow I think that would go easier when you are a boy.”

“That sounds like a good idea. After all I am also still convinced that his cause might be the best way to get to know Julien, without revealing our blood relationship. Because I think it is an important thing in his life that he is dedicated to. And it shifts the interest from him as a person to a broader topic of common interest. And after all it is also my desire to make this society a more just one.”

“Alright, Adrienne. Just promise me that you won’t take up arms as well.”

“Of course, Marie, I don’t think I would ever go that far…”


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The character and appearance of Adrien Dupont takes form...

In the subsequent weeks the person of Adrien Dupont was created and began to take form. Marie had provided some men’s clothes, among others trousers, shirts and caps. Secretly they tried them on, always careful that no one was around to watch them. 

When Adrienne first saw herself in the mirror, dressed as a man, she bursted out in laughter. At this point she still had serious doubts on whether she would ever be able to play that role convincingly. However she never gave up, the determination to get to know her brother on a personal basis was stronger than her insecurity on whether this would even succeed or whether she just would make a fool of herself. 

After all she was used to play a role at her home too, the role of the obedient daughter. She was not perfect at that role either, but still good enough to be credible. She hoped that she would grow into the role of Adrien as well. How absurd it was, she would later affirm, that it was by playing another role that she tried to escape from the role that was ascribed to her in her family. It was by pretending once more to be someone else, that she finally would come closest so far to being truly herself, living her own life. 

With the time Adrienne got used to the unfamiliar clothing and the young man that looked at her when she saw herself in the mirror. By and by Marie found out elegant ways to hide Adrienne’s long curly hair under a cap with a few strands peaking out in a way that made them look as if they were part of a man’s haircut. 

Even harder than transforming Adrienne into Adrien externally, it was to invent Adrien’s personality and biography from scratch, taking into account the gap in knowledge that evidently arose with Adrienne’s upbringing as a girl. 

* * *

_ 25th of October 1831 _

_ I shall now outline the biographical details of my dear Adrien, as far as they are known today. Adrien Dupont was born in 1812 which makes him nineteen years old now. He and his family only recently moved to Paris. His father is a scientist. His family is relatively well situated. Adrien grew up as an only child. During his childhood he was frequently ill and therefore missed out on a lot of things (for instance having friends of the same age, learning how to fight or handle a gun). Because of this developments during childhood, his father has been pretty protectionist. He is being homeschooled, but determined to make his baccalaureate, so that he will eventually be able to study Law in the future. Given that upbringing, he is pretty shy and sometimes a bit clumsy, but after all he is empathic and a good friend. He knows a lot of things, because he loves to read a lot. He also likes to write and draw, because that is how he expresses himself best. Given the fact that he grew up pretty isolated, he has a good relation to the servants, who have been his only real friends in life. This has also sharpened his social conscience. Adrien knows of the hardships of the common people, and would love to find a way to help. It were these people who also found ways for him to sneak out the house to seek freedom... _

* * *

Once Adrienne was sure enough to act as a man in the safety of the home, and Marie was convinced as well, they tested it out on the streets. When they were satisfied with the results there as well, finally the time came for Marie to deliver Adrien’s request to her brother. 


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adrienne goes to the Musain as Adrien and finally gets to know the Amis in person

_ 11th of November 1831 _

_ Today has been the day. Been at the Musain with Marie’s brother Marcel. Everything went well. Amis de l’ABC accepted Adrien as one of their own. Lots of emotions and impressions. Will write things down in detail tomorrow when they have a bit settled down. It is time to go to bed already anyway. Planning to go back to the Musain as Adrien next week, this time on my own.  _

* * *

_ 12th of November 1831 _

_ So yesterday was the decisive day, on which we would discover whether our hard work of preparation during the last few weeks would withstand once we put our plans in practise.  _

_ In the afternoon I sneaked out to Marie’s room, where she stays when she doesn’t have the time to go home. There we prepared “Adrien” for his big mission. Once we were ready, I - now acting as Adrien - and Marie left the house by the rear exit, carefully looking that no one possibly could see us.  _

_ At the corner of the street Marcel was waiting for us. This is the first time I saw him in person, but Marie has spoken of him a lot. Then Marie went back to our house, and we two continued our walk to the Musain, by the same way I had gone with Caroline only about a month ago. And yet everything was different this time, as I made this as Adrien and not as Adrienne.  _

_ Although Marcel tried to distract me and take this situation its explosiveness at least a little bit, I was nervous as never before. After all it was not just the fact that I was entering a conspirative meeting of a group of revolutionaries, I was also about to meet my brother and in order to make all of this happen, I pretended to be someone I was not.  _

_ Sometimes I asked myself whether that was right to do it this way, to pretend that I am someone I am not, to pretend to be male, when I am female. It is a risky path and I am aware of this. Now I have a secret that I am afraid people could discover. Either my family here or the Amis themselves. But something tells me that it is the best way to finally get answers to my questions in life. And until now the feeling to do the right thing prevails over the feeling to do the wrong thing despite all doubts.  _

_ And today I am happy that I did that yesterday. Because I am convinced, I would never ever have experienced that otherways, even if I went there as myself. I don’t think Marcel would have taken me to the Musain at first place when Marie would have presented me as a woman… _

_ But this way I finally had the chance to discover the secret of the back door of the Café. It is hard to describe with words the sensation I felt when I entered the room. It was as if I had just crossed the threshold to a whole new world. I was wondering what that new world would look like. What I saw first was not what I had expected. There was not immediately that said back room, but a long dark corridor leading from the café to the place itself. Then I saw it. While for others this may have been just an ordinary room in the back of a restaurant for me it could have been also some enchanted forest or a sacred chapel. I was entering to the core of what I wanted to discover.  _

_ When we arrived, the meeting was already in progress. Most of the inner core of the Amis de l’ABC, it seemed, were already present, as I was about to discover. They were sitting and standing around the tables whereas the last rays of daylight entered through the small windows on the side of the room that led to Rue des Grès. The moment was somehow magical, worthy of the initiation to a new world that I was about to witness. My brother was there as well, leaning against one of the tables. Engaged in a discussion with two of his friends, whose names are Combeferre and Courfeyrac, as I soon would learn. I don’t know what they were talking about, because their discourse was interrupted upon our arrival.  _

_ “Looks like we’ve got some visitors today…”, observed one of them, I think it was Courfeyrac.  _

_ And Feuilly added: “That’s Marcel Pasquier, one of the workers from the furniture factory in Saint Antoine.” _

_ Then my brother asked Marcel what brought him here: “Are there any news from the faubourg Saint-Antoine? We can count on you once the day will come, right?” _

_ Marcel assured him and the others of their support once the time has come and then made use of the occasion to introduce me to the group. He said that he has not come to speak in the name of his workers’ collective today, but to make someone a favour. Indicating me, he proceeded: “This is Adrien Dupont. He only recently moved to Paris with his family and he is in the search for like-minded people. That’s why I brought him here.” _

_ At this point one of the men who were sitting in the back of the room came up to me, or rather he staggered, presented himself als Grantaire, then he offered a seat and a glass of wine.  _

_ Gradually I became to know the names of those present: Grantaire, Joly, Bahorel, Bossuet, Prouvaire, Jacquier, Feuilly, Combeferre, Courfeyrac and last but not least Enjolras. Apparently everyone goes by his last name here. I might get used to be called Dupont too.  _

_ Enjolras (I am going to call him that way, too, now, for reasons of simplicity and because that’s how he is called by his friends) then proceeded to ask me about my political opinion. Grantaire then made somewhat fun of his question by asking me whether I was a republican, a socialist, a democrat, a monarchist, an ultra-royalist, a Bonapartist or whatever else (he probably added even more of this kind of denominations, that I don’t recall now, and probably that also wasn’t the order in which he mentioned them).  _

_ I responded by making clear that I don’t think that this kind of labels alone make a real difference, that it is more about the concrete ideas and convictions. That whereas at this point I can’t identify with any of these labels, I can clearly see and feel that the situation, as it currently is, is unjust. I told them how I have often felt powerless faced with all the inequality that presents itself in Paris most clearly because it is where the poor and the rich live closely. I also added that I have some serious doubts on whether those in power will ever  _ _ really _ _ change anything about the current state of things. The new king, by the way he presented himself, gave some hope at the beginning that now finally things will change, but in reality the lives of the poor have not changed at all and I have some serious doubts that they ever will. And as an individual person I have often felt help helpless when I see the misery on the streets. It has been the desire to seek more social justice, that has driven me to ask whether I can join their meetings, I said, because I have come to the conclusion that whereas I alone feel powerless, we can change something together if we join forces.  _

_ To my relief I soon discovered that my remarks satisfied Enjolras’ expectations. “Then you are at the right place here among the Amis de L’ABC. We are happy about everyone who joins. And, just as you said, only together we can make change happen.” _

_ “Only if we have the support of the people, we can ask for change in its name. Only when we unite we are a force relevant enough to shape the future”, added Jacquier.  _

_ “And how do you expect the future to be?”, I was asked. It was Prouvaire, who had been silent until this point, who raised his voice.  _

_ “Well… No child in Paris, or elsewhere, should be born into extreme poverty. Everyone should be allowed to live a life in dignity”, I answered.  _

_ “Well said, I can only approve of that. And education should be available for everyone”, declared Combeferre.  _

_ “And just as much should new findings in the field of medicine benefit every single one of us, the public good”, added Joly.  _

_ “And the law should be applied not according to the interests of those in power, but to the commonweal, for the benefit of the people” affirmed Enjolras.  _

_ And so the discussion went on. I can’t retell everything we spoke about. But what I can say, is that the initial anxiety I had felt, disappeared with time. I still felt somewhat shy, but that is normal, after all, given the context that is so different from the life I am used to.  _

_ I now have to quit my writing. My mother has her birthday next Sunday, and promised that I would help her with the preparations.  _


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adrienne goes to the Amis' meeting again and loves to be there.

It was on the following Friday that Adrienne wanted to join the Amis again. She told her mother that she was going to visit Caroline. In reality she had arranged with Marie that she comes to her to change her clothes again. 

“I am even more nervous today than last week, at least I think so…”, she said to her friend and servant, while she buttoned up her trousers. 

“Is it because you are going alone this time?”, asked Marie while she lies down the rest of the clothes on her bed. 

“Yes. I will have to go through the streets of Paris as a man alone for the first time. And I just keep thinking about all the bad things that could happen and for which I am not prepared well enough…”, whispered Adrienne. 

“I understand that very well. That must be quite adventurous as a feeling… But after all you know the way, you have been there several times now, just not alone. And it is just ten minutes of a walk. Imagine you’d have to go through the entire city first. But if it helps, I can walk behind you so that you are not totally alone, if that helps...“

“I don’t think that should be necessary, but thank you.”

After another quarter of an hour, Adrienne’s transformation to Adrien was complete. And the adventure of another visit to the back room of the Musain could begin. 

* * *

_ 19th of November 1831 _

_ I made it! Yesterday I went to the Musain once again. This time without escort. To be honest, I was really anxious at first, but the determination was stronger than my fear. I wanted to go back and see the Amis de l’ABC again. As much as I am constantly afraid that I am leaning out of the window too much, that I am doing things I should not do, that I might not behave as an Adrien is supposed to behave, that I am not dressed the way an Adrien is supposed to be dressed; I am actually enjoying what I am doing! Everything suddenly is a great adventure, even a walk to Place Saint-Michel from home. I am getting insight in a world that would normally stay closed for me. And I am getting to know my brother whom destiny has hidden from me for far too long. I don’t know exactly how I should describe that, but I think my life has become a lot more colorful already through all of this, even if it has been only a short time.  _

_ So today I stepped over the magical threshold of the Musain’s back room all on my own. And with happiness I discovered that my presence was noticed and welcome. “It’s Adrien Dupont!”, exclaimed Feuilly. “Welcome back among the Amis de L’ABC, Dupont”, greeted Combeferre. It is still weird for me to be called by the surname, but it seems to be what is common among these students. “It is nice to see that you have had the courage to come back, that we have not yet put you off. Come and make yourself comfortable”, welcomed me Grantaire. “Feel free to join us, we are grateful for your presence and support for the cause”, said Enjolras.  _

_ “It is me who has to be grateful - grateful to be allowed to be here, to be in a place where I can be myself and where I can be understood”, I answered.  _

_ And thus I joined them. As I sat there and listened to their discussions among the most various subjects, that reached from politics over literature and arts to women, I felt immense gratitude for the opportunity I have been granted. I didn’t say much, as I am still not used to talk that freely among all these young men, but I was astonished about this whole new world that has opened itself up to me. I can finally get a glimpse of my brother’s life. And I must say that it is an exciting life, so different from my everyday life, so much more vivid and enriching.  _

_ I was lost in thought like that, when Grantaire set himself the goal of getting me to speak. He insisted on me to drink more of his wine, what I gently refused. I can’t afford to lose my mind over too much alcohol, after all… But he kept being convinced that I had to lose my shyness and that the wine will make this happen. When I said no, once more, this time more insistently, he shook his head and made an interesting remark. “What is this? Am I seeing double already? But I haven’t drunk that much today yet… But this Adrien Dupont is really a second Enjolras. Not only does he look like him, he also behaves like him. Or how else can one possibly explain this insistent refusal of alcohol.” _

_ Then someone, I think it was Courfeyrac, told him to stop. “If Dupont does not want to drink more of your wine, then this his his right and you have to respect that. Not everyone does want to get drunk as much as you…” _

_ Later in the evening somehow the talk came towards our places of origin. And of course they also wanted to know where I come from. I told them that I was born in Valence, which is the town of my grandmother, to tell them my mother’s town was to risky, I felt. But then something almost unexpected happen. It was my brother who was the first to react to the mention of Valence. Before that I was not even sure if he listened to that conversation that involved only part of the present Amis. But now I saw a smile of recognition on his face.  _

_ “Valence, that is relatively close to where I am from… Do you know Aubenas?”, he asked. And I had to control my inner joy emerging at the mention of my mother’s hometown.  _

_ “Vaguely, I said. But you have to know that I haven’t lived in the region for long. Soon after my birth we moved to Clermont.” Again I mentioned a place that I knew, this time the town of my early childhood, where we lived before my father (yes, I still call him that way) died. That way my accounts would be at least vaguely realistic.  _

_ “This is not very surprising. It is simply a too small town to be known unless you are from the Ardèche yourself. It is not even included in all encyclopedias or maps of France. But this one” - he pointed at the old map hanging on the wall that showed France at the time of the Republic - “has it.” And then he first showed me Valence, then Privas and from there his index finger travelled to Aubenas. _

_ “Valence is a nice place. I’ve been there as well”, observed Jacquier. “We pass through Valence when we travel home, right Jehan?”, he said to Prouvaire. “We are both from Orange”, he said turning his head back to me, and then he indicated another place on the map, further in the South. “My family originally come from the Jura though, but the presence of the Prouvaire family in Orange can be tracked back at least to the Middle Ages.” _

_ And thus I stayed there, enchanted by the atmosphere, absorbing the contents of the conversations around me. This is more than I could ever have longed for. This is the closest that I could possibly get to my brother. I no longer have any doubt that the young man named Enjolras was him. Yesterday I received confirmation in so many forms. Grantaire has shown me the similarities between myself and him and Enjolras himself has mentioned Aubenas as his hometown, and I doubt there are that many people of his name and his appearance who have their roots in that small town in the Ardèche that no one seems to know except for the inhabitants of the region itself. And while I write this, I see him sitting there, again not on a chair but rather leaning at the edge of the table, reading aloud the text of a pamphlet of some other revolutionary group at candlelight. I have reached my destination and I am not planning to leave soon again. I feel like I have to stay and enjoy the magic of the moment. And I feel connected to him and his friends whose devotion for their cause impress me. They make me think about my own part in the evolution of this society. I admire them so much.  _

_ I totally forgot everything around me, I was completely absorbed in the present of the backroom of the Café Musain and forgot about any other form of time or space. I came home much later than I wanted. Marie had to let me in. Hopefully my family hasn’t noticed my absence. I doubt they would approve of me staying out until that late.  _


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some overview about Adrienne's new life, from the perspective of her family, Adrienne herself, and from the Amis...

Had someone asked Adrienne’s family about her development in the following months, they would probably have said that she had become more self-confident, and more even-tempered than she used to be, if not happier. To their disappointment however she was still not getting married, and refused to do any step that would go into that direction. And they noticed another development they did not really appreciate: Adrienne had taken up the habitude of frequently going out, mostly in the evenings and sometimes staying till late. However they could not prohibit her completely to do it. They worried that this would destroy her recently found emotional balance. And after all she was not 10 anymore. But they told her about their concerns. Adrienne’s mother secretly wondered if a man may be involved in this whole development. If so, she hoped that Adrienne would soon introduce him to her. If anything, she did not want her daughter to have the same fate as she had. But if Adrienne said the truth, she was staying with her friend Caroline and sometimes also her husband, so she would hopefully be a good example for her daughter and give her some insight into the advantages of a married woman’s life. In reality however of her none of her relatives really knew what caused Adrienne’s development. The only ones who had an idea, even though to various extents, were of course Marie and also Estelle, the cook, as Adrienne often passed through the kitchen to reach Marie’s room when she left, and the rest of the house when she returned by the back door. 

From that first few meetings onwards, Adrienne went to the Café Musain, or more precisely to its back room, regularly. She went as often as she could, without making her family suspicious. They had made it clear to her that they had noticed her frequent absence from the house, a thing unknown previously. After all she would rather get lost in books than in actual Paris. When they asked her, she’d say she would visit Caroline, or go to theatre with her and her husband. Sometimes when that happened she’d really go out with her best friend, most times however, she simply went to the Musain instead.  As her family did not appreciate the fact that she, a woman, went through the city alone even in the evening as it was dark already, Adrienne and Marie had to become more creative. Sometimes she said that she was tired and wanted to go to bed early, and then managed to sneak out all the same. 

With the time she became more used to wearing a man’s clothes, but never the fear of her secret being discovered fully disappeared. She was afraid that the Amis would notice, after all they knew better than her, how a young man of her class would dress and behave. She was afraid that they’d reject her, not take her seriously anymore. But at least to the same extent she was afraid that her family could notice. And what they’d think if they saw her in men’s clothing, she did not even want to imagine. Miraculously so far she had not been not discovered by the Amis nor by her own family. Although there had been some delicate moments, for instance as someone walked into Marie’s room once and she had to hide inside the wardrobe and when she spotted her uncle near Place Saint-Michel, and had to literally run to the Musain so that he would not see her closely. And there was also another incident, that luckily passed of smoothly. It was shortly before Christmas when Adrienne was about to run some errands together with her mother when she literally almost ran into Enjolras, Bahorel and Jacquier on their way to law school, which was only at a few streets distance from her home. In the very last second she could withhold herself from greeting them, as she became aware that she was not supposed to know them, not when dressed as a woman and in the presence of her mother. And it was hard to pretend not to know her friends, and she hoped that she would never have to do this again. 

For the first time in a long time Adrienne had something she could be excited about. Her life was no longer monotonous. She spent her days with joyful anticipation of the next meeting she would be able to attend. There she could forget about her daily sorrows and learn new things, things that would remain inaccessible for her in her daily life. She made good use of every chance to escape the narrow reality of her family home, and to enjoy the newly acquired freedom. She stayed at the background mostly, silent and listening, learning and wondering, dreaming of a different life, a different world. She followed their thought carefully, made her own opinion, and if she was convinced enough, she voiced it, shared well reasoned thoughts. Sometimes she brought a sketchbook with her drawing the Amis discussing, laughing, drinking, arguing. Something inside her told her that this period of joy and discovery she is experiencing won’t last forever, that she had to find a form to keep the memories alive, so that she would never forget. But at the same time she wanted this shared time with the Amis de l’ABC never to end, and she immersed into the present as if it had no borders. 

With the time Adrien had become an indispensable component of the meetings of the Friends of the ABC. They had accepted this timid young man as one of their own. They appreciated his thoughtful observations and they also asked him for his opinion.


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It is early 1832, and Adrienne is thinking about what the last few months have brought her.

_ 4th of February 1832 _

_ I just read through some of my older diary entries and realized how much my life has changed during the last few months. All these preoccupations and thoughts and experiences I had seem suddenly so irrelevant to me, when I compare them to the new experiences, adventures and ideas that fill my days now. I would say my life has got a whole new purpose, or perhaps finally a purpose at all. I no longer stumble into the days not knowing which direction I should take, but I spend my live in solemn anticipation of the next meeting ahead and all the interesting things that I still will be able to learn, to discover. I can’t believe that it was only about three months ago that I entered the back room of the Café Musain for the first time in my life. I think in the meantime I have grown so much as a person. I have learned to express my own opinion and to defend it when necessary. I have learned to question things. And I have learned to overcome my fears.  _

_ I would never have thought that I would become a revolutionary one day, so to say. I would never have thought that I would pretend I was a man one day either. And I would never have thought that I would come that close to my brother one day. I went out to find the answers to the questions of my identity, to fill the void in my own existence. I went out in the hope to find that part of my family where I would feel understood and accepted. All I hoped was to find out who my brother is, the brother that I never had, but I have gained so much more. I have found not only my brother, but an entire second family. Among the Amis de l’ABC I found the support I have been missing in my own family home.  _

_ When I am at home, my life feels so constrained, I feel like I am playing a role, I feel pressured to be someone that is not me. And now I am discovering how life could also look like, a life whose horizon has grown so much brider. The world is so much bigger than it used to be for me. I am happier than I have ever been. And I feel no longer restrained, because I have found a way to escape that is even more powerful than reading. Who would have thought that of all things I would find happiness while playing another role, a boy’s role? But this role I have been assigned all by myself. And so it comes that as Adrien I feel more like myself than as the daughter of my family, even though that sounds weird, as I have had to invent a whole new biography. But still I felt more free. The backroom of the Musain has become the asylum from my daily life. And through its people I have received more than I would have ever asked for.  _

_ In the discussions with the Amis also my political horizon has broadened. I may always have had a conscience for social questions and could not close my eyes in sight of this injustice happening everywhere around me. But now for the first time I feel the need to really address it. Before all I felt was powerlessness. But now I think that I can no longer stay silent and don’t do anything. I feel the need to tell the world, and those in power that this state is no longer acceptable. No one should die from poverty. These people and the unworthy conditions they are condemned to live in are a living reminder of the failure of those in power to adequately provide for the inhabitants of this city, this country. And change must happen. Poverty has to be overcome systematically. And that needs active participation. And I am ready to lend a hand if it is in my possibility that a positive change can happen.  _

_ But I have not only learned about politics from the Amis de l’ABC. They all are educated young men with wide interests, talents and passions. Through the interaction with them I have learned so many things that I would never have learnt in my everyday life.  _

_ My biggest wish was to discover who my brother is. So that he was no longer just a name, a blank space in the book of my life. And I achieved that, or more precisely I achieved much more than that. Our relation may not be the one that brothers and sisters normally have, but I sure have found a friend in him. I may not be able to reveal to him that I am his sister, but still I feel close to him. And I also feel respected as a friend by him. I admire Enjolras so much (I am just calling him that way, now because that is how his friends call him, how he presented himself to me as well). Especially I am impressed by the passion that he radiates. When he speaks of his cause, his passion is contagious, as I can confirm from my own experience. He alone can even have an impact on Grantaire sometimes… And how he is able to put things into words! I enjoy discussing things with him, even though he can be stubborn at times and also he won’t mince matters.  _

_ But my brother is not the only person I enjoy speaking with. For instance I realized that Combeferre’s ideas are actually much more close to mine than the ones of an Enjolras who is sometimes just too uncompromising in his convictions. Combeferre, too, would prefer progress through education, if there is the possibility. But also he fears stagnation more than revolution. And we share the same passion for reading, for learning and for knowledge.  _

_ How important education can be on the development of a person I see myself, when I teach Marie, and now I have another confirmation: Feuilly. I am so impressed by all the knowledge he has accumulated without any formal education. Everything he knows he taught himself. It proves to me, that education should not be a privilege of the wealthy and that the resources of science that we have should be available to all the people. Everyone should have access to education, the poor as much as the rich, women as much as men. Universal access to education and knowledge would benefit the society as a whole. And most importantly I have to say that I, too, learned something from Feuilly. It was him who introduced me to the tragic fate of the Polish people. The recent history of Poland has made me aware of the privilege that we French people have. What a horrible idea it is to be governed by a foreign power who suppresses all efforts for independence by force. The Russians not only dissolved the army and parliament, they also closed the university. What a crime to deprive an entire people from its right to education! It again confirms what those in power fear the most: educated, sovereign citizens! Feuilly’s dedication to all the suppressed peoples all around Europe is simply admirable and should be considered as exemplary to all of us.  _

_ Another person I get along really well is Prouvaire. It took some time to discover that, because he is just as shy as I am. But it turns out that he can really open up once you discuss something with him that he is passionate about. And it turns out that we have quite a few passions in common: art, nature, flowers, literature and also social questions and languages. Finally I have found someone to practise my Italian with. And he is teaching me how to read Hebrew. It was Prouvaire who first discovered my drawings. And he liked them. In return he showed me some of his poems. He has so much talent. I really think he might become famous one day. Just last week he told me that he showed some of his poems to an editor and he liked them. So now he is trying to compile a volume of poetry. When this book will be published, I am definitely going to buy it and show it to everyone I know.  _

_ He and Jacquier have really inspired me to write more as well… Currently however the only thing I am writing is this diary. I am too absorbed by the adventure of my own life, or my own dual life to be more precise, to think about any fictional lives. However I do draw a lot, both at the Musain and at home.  _

_ Jacquier is special as well. He has a big heart for both humans and animals equally. He told me he actually wanted to become a veterinarian. But his father insisted on him to start a more serious career as he called it, and so I opted for Law instead. He is just as much of a bookworm as I am. And he loves to write. He even has submitted occasional articles to newspaper. I think journalism is another passion of him. And he also writes fiction, even though so far only for the drawer. And he is passionate about equality, wants to give the poor a voice rather than talking about them.  _

_ And then there is Grantaire. I don’t really know what I should think about him. He thinks I don’t drink enough, I think he drinks too much. He can be importunate, even annoying. And I don’t like how he behaves towards women when he is drunk. But then again it simply upsets me how careless he is about his life. But at the same time he can be funny and he knows a lot. A part of me tells me that one can’t take Grantaire seriously. And then again another part of me tells me that even if he would not acknowledge that, at his innermost he perhaps strives for nothing else than being taken seriously, being noticed. Sometimes I wonder who he is at his core, under all these layers of apparent indifference, of drunkenness and of scepticism…  _

_ I am fully aware that by this description I can’t fully give justice to all Amis, to all that I have experienced with them, both serious and funny things, even though I can’t relate to anything they talk about, especially when women are concerned.  _

_ Sometimes I wonder what they would think if they knew I was a woman myself. I wonder if they would treat me differently, or actually I bet he would. I wonder if they would still discuss about politics with me so freely. I wonder if I would be able to change their image of women. But then again I know that it is impossible for me now to reveal myself. But I am still afraid they might discover it at some point. At the same time I feel also guilty towards them because I am not telling them the truth. I am pretending I am someone else. And Adrien’s biography has gaps, many gaps. And I try not to reveal more than necessary of his background story, so that I won’t reveal that Adrien only exists through them, the dialogue between them and myself. Whenever Adrien is not behaving the way they are expecting, it is because he was sick for a long time in his youth and thus has not made the same experiences other boys of his age would have made, also due to his father being overprotective towards him now that he is healed again. But at the same time it would also be a lie that I am completely pretending to be someone else than I really am. In Adrien there is much of my own personality. Adrien’s political convictions are my own ideas that have began to take form now. Adrien’s interests, his knowledge, his passions, all that is not invented but comes from my heart.  _

_ During the last months I have undergone as many risks in my life as never before, but I don’t regret anything, because finally I am as free as I never was before.  _


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While her family still wants to marry Adrienne off, she has other plans. She successfully fulfills a task that Enjolras assigned her. The situation aggravates and the possibilty of an armed uprising happening anytime soon increases. Adrienne still has some doubts if that is really the right way to achieve change and iniciates a discussion among the Amis...

_ 25th of April 1832 _

_ I spent a relatively calm Easter weekend with my family. What a contrast to the life that I am currently living outside the walls of my family home! I could almost consider it a welcome break. Although it could also get a bit too calm at times, and this calm had something suspicious in it. On Monday we were invited to the Chevaliers, the family of a business partner and friend of my uncle. Whereas I actually quite enjoyed their company, I also am aware that the purpose of this meeting was probably just to introduce me to one of the Chevalier sons, François. And probably they also envision us already as future husband and wife. And I have to be honest, perhaps one year ago I would have succumbed to his charms even, and if you know me, then you are aware that this already means a lot. That being said, I had a few interesting conversations with him. He seems to be quite intelligent and also likes to read. And he has treated me with respect. So, to be honest, I like his personality. And besides that he is also handsome. Therefore, if we once let all my doubts about being ready to make such a huge commitment as marriage is, I think that a year ago, or even last summer, I would have agreed at least to get to know him at least a bit better before I make a decision. But now, there is something that, despite all the positive traits I just mentioned, holds me back from François. It is the fact that he serves in the army. So there would be the ongoing risk that sooner or later you’d lose him again, because soldiers go to war and war means death. And I fear that this above anything else also means that I would always have to lead a double life now, because I am afraid that a husband who serves in the king’s army would not want his wife to sympathise with the republicans. And I don’t want to choose between my husband and my brother. And considering that rumours of an upcoming revolution are getting louder and louder, I am afraid that I would be forced to choose sooner or later. And the idea of having my brother on one side of a barricade and my future husband on the other is unbearable. And therefore I have made a choice already now. I am not ready to fall in love with this man. It is too dangerous. My family will probably hate me once again for that decision. But I can’t deal with this confusion right now. I’ve got more important tasks to do. More about that on the weekend. I hope everything will go well.  _

* * *

_ 28th of April 1832 _

_ There is something else that happened this week that I have not yet written about, because I wanted to wait until I hopefully get it done. And well, this is now the case. I still can’t believe what I’ve just done, but everything went well. It is late in the evening now, but I can’t sleep, because I am still all agitated, and therefore I decided to write this down now, so that it can settle in a bit.  _

_ So, what happened basically is that Enjolras has given me the task to speak with Marcel and his group to find out if we can count on them when the day comes. And as much as I was pleased to hear that he treated me the same way as any other Ami, at the same time I was a bit overwhelmed by this amount of confidence from his side. After all he probably thinks that I know Marcel a whole lot better than I actually do, given that he introduced me to the Amis. So I had some really serious doubts if I would be able to make that happen, and the last thing I wanted to do was to disappoint my brother now that I have gained his confidence.  _

_ So I had to talk with Marie about that matter. This was not easy because when I asked her about Marcel, she complained about his stubbornness when it comes to his revolutionary activities: _

_ “Week after week I am trying to convince him that this whole revolutionary involvement is not good for him, that it is too dangerous. But he keeps talking about nothing else. When I tell him that he has to think about his family, his wife and his children in particular. Who will care for them if he gets killed or arrested? But he says he does it for them. That they will have a better future. He goes on by telling that he does it for me and our parents as well. And for those who have even less than we have. Those who cannot fight for their rights. Those who don’t even know that they have rights, like him, before he met his fellow revolutionaries at work. I am seriously worried because he keeps denying the danger.” _

_ A bad conscience arose in me while I was listening to her words, after all I had to contact Marcel on the behalf of the revolution. In the end my sense of duty won over and I told her that I need to speak with her brother on the behalf of the Amis de l’ABC, but omitted any further details that would contain any reference to the possibility of an upcoming uprising.  _

_ On Friday she delivered me the answer from Marcel, who said that he had time on late Saturday afternoon and that he can show me his neighbourhood if I want to.  _

_ This was today. We arranged to meet at the church Saint-Étienne-du-Mont, which is only a few streets away from where I live. So I sat there and waited, and thought about how exactly I should formulate Enjolras’ concern to Marcel. I did not know exactly when he would come. He had work to do, and did not know how long this would take. But he showed up.  _

_ Together we walked towards the Seine. Then he said something that made my heart skip a beat: “You said, you have to speak with me in the name of the Amis de l’ABC, right? I thought it might be best if I introduce you to my friends then. We usually reunite in a wine tavern on Saturdays after work, so they would be there this evening.” _

_ I was nervous already, but now I was scared. I was about to speak in front of unknown men in public space about a sensitive topic such as revolution. And the thought of it alone frightened me.  _

_ Marcel noticed this and tried to assure me that everything will be fine and that after all they are affable people.  _

_ On the way Marcel told me about his everyday life, probably to take some of the pressure from me. Some of the things I had already known from Marie, others were completely new to me. When he was a young boy he started a apprenticeship to become a carpenter. The master was very pleased with his work and thought that he really had a talent to work with wood, and he even considered handing over the business to him one day. But then he suddenly passed away and so it came that Marcel never finished his apprenticeship and started to work at the furniture factory instead. He says, the work is decent, he is happy to have a regular income that allows him to provide for his family. But with the family growing, it gets increasingly difficult. The tiny apartment they live in is not really a place for a family of six. While they have enough money to survive, it becomes increasingly difficult to live. Sometimes he still dreams of an own little carpentry business, but as for now he does not know how to achieve that. He says that the revolutionary movement gives him hope, because it is a reminder that another life is possible. _

_ And thus we arrived in the Faubourg Saint-Antoine. At only about 45 minutes walking distance from my house, I had never been here before, as far as I could remember. For Marcel this is home. I was about to enter his world and I was experiencing just as much curiosity as I was experiencing anxiety. How would his people react to me, would they take me seriously? Could I even bring out a word? _

_ These were my thoughts when he pointed at one of the houses at the end of the street, right before it made a turn to the right: “This is where we meet”. _

_ I nodded shyly, trying to sort my thoughts, to bring the words into an order again so that I could share them.  _

_ “No worry. Everything will be fine. I am sure you can do that”, Marcel tried to calm me. _

_ Thus we entered the tavern. It was packed with people and overall an atmosphere of tension and enthusiasm was tangible. Then Marcel spotted his comrades sitting at one of the tables and so we joined them. There were three men, a fourth joined them later. They are all workers here in the Faubourg, with one exception all work at the same factory as Marcel. He introduced me to them and said it was the Amis de l’ABC who sent me. And of course they wanted to know what brought me here. _

_ I can’t retell the exact words, but I really managed to make some coherent remarks about the current situation and about the need to find out if we can count on each other when the day will come…  _

_ One of them immediately answered with enthusiasm that of course we can count on them, when it will be time, because after all we have the same goal and we are in this together. _

_ Another one, the oldest I think, and also in some way the leader of the group, was more sceptical, not of his people, but of us. Thus he asked back, first more thinking aloud: “I would rather like to know if we can rely on the students or if they just look at this as an adventure, a pastime for rich young men”. Then he addressed me directly: “Will you move from words to deeds when it will be a question of life and death? Do you take our concerns seriously?” _

_ I assured him that the Amis do care about the situation of the working class. I also stressed that whereas most of the founding members are students indeed, the society is open for everyone. And I added that personally I think there should be more interaction between workers and students and the citizens in general, so that the public knows what really concerns the workers, what the problems are and how they can be solved.  _

_ And he agreed with me, saying that only if we work together, we can change it. He also thinks that a system change is necessary, that it needs more than just some reforms. For him it is not about a king or no king. But it is about the actual necessity for the people to participate in decision making. And he asked for a radical reorganisation of the means of production: “The current situation is unbearable. We are completely at the mercy of the manufacturers. The economic situation is difficult, the wages falling. But don’t you dare to organize yourself and ask for a fairer pay or more human work conditions. You’ll end up on the streets faster than you even can realize what happened. And if one has to support a family, and can’t permit himself to lose work, then that is a form of slavery.” _

_ I stayed with them much longer, but those are the parts of the conversation that made the most impression on me.  _

_ When I arrived there I was so scared, I did not know if they would take me seriously, perhaps even more than when I went to the Amis’ meeting for the first time. But they treated me with respect as much as I did treat them with respect.  _

_ And if anything that is the lesson I have learned today. If we want to achieve a change from some sort, we need to talk to each other as equals, regardless of gender or class. That is necessary to understand the real state of things, if we want to transform the injustices of today’s world into something more just, we need to work together and we need to speak the same language. And I hope that I have made my part to that today. I have learnt so much today.  _

_ I stayed with them for quite a while. I enjoyed the atmosphere and I also listened to the discourses of Marcel and his friends. And also those of others in the tavern. Is impressive how fearlessly they criticize the King and his government here. _

_ And now I am back home and everything is fine. I did not get arrested, robbed, lost or ridiculed. And I have made so many things in one single evening that I would never have thought to be possible before that. I have just spoken to unknown men from a different social context in a way a man would. I have convinced them about the determination of the Amis de l’ABC to stand up for their rights. I have gained conscience of the importance of dialogue within society to make change possible. I have just fulfilled my first undoubtedly revolutionary task on behalf of the Amis de l’ABC and I am proud to report to Enjolras the next time I meet him that Marcel’s group is very ready to combat, and they assured me the support of 10 men, of which five were present at the meeting. And they also have links to other more or less organized groups in the neighbourhood.  _

* * *

During the very next meeting Adrienne told Enjolras about her findings. He was very pleased to hear about the support they would receive from Marcel’s informal and thus unnamed group of workers. He was however a bit surprised about that counterquestion of their unofficial as for him it was no question that their concern about the common people were sincere and not just a convenient passtime of rich young men who have their own power ambitions and interests to follow, and would not shrink back once things would get serious and was prepared to go to any extremes for the common good. Adrienne could reassure him that she convinced them of their sincerity and also told him how important it was to establish more dialogue between the different social classes in which everyone is treated equally. Enjolras praised Adrienne, or Dupont as he used to call her, for what she did, and for finding the right words to gain the support and the trust of these workers, and therefore successfully fulfilling her task, which not everyone was capable of. This concerned in particular Grantaire who was reportedly caught playing dominos instead of convincing others of the urgency of their cause. 

It may have been on that same meeting, but perhaps also during one of the following ones, that Adrienne finally dared to ask that one question she has had on her mind for quite some time already: 

“Why do you actually think that an armed uprising is the only way to achieve change?”

As soon as she had raised her voice, it became silent, too silent. When everyone in the room instantly looked at her, Adrienne blushed and immediately wished she had not said a single word. 

Enjolras shook his head. 

“Why, Dupont? You come here, join our discussions, even successfully renew the network between us and the workers from Saint Antoine and now, all of a sudden you ask this kind of a question? What do you expect to achieve by that? Isn’t that self evident that we can’t no longer wait and watch how things develop. We must take the future in our own hands!”

Adrienne was alarmed by the agitated tone Enjolras’ voice had assumed. She didn’t mean to upset her brother. She was afraid now that he would no longer want to see her here, among the Amis, that he would reject her all the same, not as a sister, because he didn’t know that, but because she was not radical enough to be an actual Ami de l’ABC. She wanted to intervene by saying that she did not mean to question the activities of the Amis, she just wanted to understand the reasons. 

“I… I didn’t… mean…” she stuttered and then her voice caved in.She could not bring herself to pronounce any further word. Embarrassedly she looked on the floor and prepared herself for the storm that was about to pass upon her. 

That was when she perceived Combeferre’s pensive and calm voice: “I don’t think Dupont’s intention is to question the possibility of an armed uprising as such. He rather wants to know why this is necessary right now and if there aren’t any other options to bring about change as well. And I don’t think that is actually a bad question. It is actually good to question the seemingly obvious things from time to time, not to get lost in doubts, but to regain consciousness about them, to understand why we are doing what we are doing and not take these things simply for granted.”

Adrienne looked up again, still unable to bring out a word, but she was able to hint to Combeferre that he grasped her intentions by the way she looked at him. 

“This makes sense, Combeferre”, Enjolras replied. His voice sounded less tense again much to the relieve of the still perturbed Adrienne. 

“I don’t think we can blame Dupont for that. He himself has told us how he has to escape secretly, because his overprotective father wouldn’t let him go. He does not know how the real world works, because he grew up isolated from it. And that real world isn’t all rosey”, meant Courfeyrac. 

“It truly isn’t. The real world is violent. And if the situation is violent, then we shall respond with violence as well”, added Enjolras. 

In the meantime Adrienne, who regained her voice, set out for another question: “But will you ever overcome violence with more violence? Isn’t that just a continuous perpetuation of violence, a vicious circle of some sort?”

“Well, it depends on how you dose it. And it is necessary that you commit violence not with the purpose of being violent, but perceive it as a tool to achieve change. And once the change has happened you shall observe the situation carefully and once it is no longer violent you shall renounce to it again as well”, replied Enjolras. 

“You have to know, I don’t reject the idea of an armed uprising as such either, but I think it is just the ultimate option, if the situation is that desperate that it is unbearable and there is no other chance to improve it. If there is any chance that one can demand change and make it into practise then I would prefer that”, responded Adrienne in return.

“What do you want to do then?”, asked Bossuet, “Write a letter to the king and ask him if he would be so good and do something against the widespread poverty in this country or grant every citizen of it his right to vote? I don’t think you’d get an answer…”

“Not even if we all signed the letter. He’d probably either ignore us or arrest us, depending on how he judges the situation or what his mood was that day… That king likes his throne and would not want to give it away. And the elites also wouldn’t not want to give away any of their privilege…”, added Courfeyrac. 

“We are living in a time where people are arrested because of their political beliefs. In which public demonstrations are violently dissolved by the national guard. We can protest peacefully, and we have done this already, but if the regime and its supporters all the same use violence against us then taking up arms is basically nothing more than self defense. There is little choice these days. And the situation is deteriorating with all the cholera and economic crises. It is only a question of time until something happens”, meant Feuilly. 

And Enjolras stated: “And if the people rises and fights on our side, even if it is only a part of the people. And we manage to hold these barricades and therefore get control over part of the city, then we may eventually have a means to pressure those in power to make concessions. And probably this is the only way that they will allow themselves to make concessions at all.”

“And what do you think, Dupont, would be the most adequate means of change?”, Jacquier wanted to know. 

“I personally prefer other means than the violent ones. I’d opt for progress through education, both formal and informal, through dialogue within the population, through emancipation, through informing people of their rights and restituting them dignity, through charity. I know that this is a different kind of change, a less visible one at first hand, but a more sustainable one…”, answered Adrienne. 

“The problem with these kind of initiatives, as genuine as they are, is that they tend to remedy the effects of the problem, without grasping the problem at its roots. It is the whole system that is unjust and needs to be overcome”, countered Enjolras.

Combeferre added: “I am the first one to advocate for education as a vehicle of progress. I would even go that far and consider it a precondition for progress. The problem is that we have reached a situation that is that urgent, it is simply no longer enough. This situation requires more immediate action.”

“I do get that point. And I don’t think this there is a contradiction. And I just want you to know, that while I personally prefer other, more peaceful means of change, this does not prevent me from supporting you and your cause once the day will come by whatever ways that are in my power. I know what you are striving for are genuine efforts to improve the situation this country finds itself in. And this is my intention as well and thereful you can count on my fullest support”, concluded Adrienne. 


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adrienne reacts to the news of the death of General Lamarque and wonders what his passing means for her and her friends.

_ 1st of June 1832 _

_ My uncle came home today with the message that General Lamarque is dead. He had been sick for quite some time, so the news of his death was not unexpected, and yet it is surrounded by sadness. Even my uncle said that he feels concerned and praised the General’s military successes and his fidelity to his principles. I personally am a bit unsure what to think about Lamarque and his political ideas. He has been the subject of discussions at the Musain already various times. And yet I feel like I don’t know enough of him to actually make a well-founded judgement about him. I think, in some ways his thinking was too much rooted in his military past and his image of France was linked too closely to the glory of war. But he was eloquent and had the capacity to unite people. He strived for a liberal regime just as we do. And because of his reputation and his past he was someone who can make his voice heard in government circles. He supported the independence struggles in Poland and Italy. Even upon dying he still stood to his principles and signed the  _ compte rendu  _ and thus openly pronounced his criticism towards the current regime _ .  _ I may not be able to relate to anything he stood for and he said. But I am convinced that his death is a loss and that his mediating voice will be missed in the republican endeavours in France. I would like so much to discuss about Lamarque’s legacy and the meaning of his death with the Amis, but there is no way to be present at their meeting this evening. One of my cousins is visiting with his family and my family expects me to be present.  _

* * *

_ 4th of June 1832 _

_ So tomorrow is Lamarque’s funeral. I am currently in my room and technically should be in bed already, but I can’t sleep. I am a bit anxious because I don’t know what tomorrow will bring to us. The other day Marcel reached out to me through Marie and asked me whether I and the others would come at the funeral as well. I answered that I will come but that I hadn’t had any opportunity to reach out to my friends these days. Actually I am pretty convinced that they will be there as well, given our last discussions and how highly they regard Lamarque. Anyway, Marcel and I have agreed that we will go to the funeral together. So I just kept lying in bed and thinking about all the things that might potentially happen tomorrow. To be honest I wouldn’t be surprised if this wouldn’t be just about peaceful mourning given that we all know how tense the atmosphere is in these weeks here in this city. Yet my intuition tells me that this is where I am supposed to be tomorrow. And I am not going to delude my friends.  _

* * *

As she was lying in her bed sleepless, Adrienne grew more and more aware that she might as well not arrive home from her adventure the next day. And the idea of disappearing possibly forever without leaving any message behind scared her. And thus she began to write the following letter:

_ Dear beloved ones,  _

_ please read this in the case I won’t arrive back home. _

_ I am sorry I couldn’t tell you earlier, but I was afraid you wouldn’t respect my choice.  _

_ A few months ago I set out to fill the void in my life. I reached out to find my brother, the missing piece in my existence, and I found him and also a purpose in life. My brother has shown it to me and I am ready to embrace it. For the first time I feel like I have found my place in this world, for the first time I feel like I am truly myself.  _

_ I leave this house with the knowledge that I might as well not return. If I don’t return today, please don’t be sad. Know that I have found my place in this world, my purpose in life, just as I had always wished for. I am where I was meant to be: with my brother, with my friends is where I will be, no matter what will happen. _

_ If I don’t return please dedicate yourself to the common good in my name, take care especially of those who are less fortunate. _

_ With love, _

_ Your Adrienne _

At the same time Adrienne prayed that she will never ever have to make use of this letter, hoping that this was just an unnecessary precaution and that everything will be fine and that even after the funeral her little world would still be perfectly intact. 

After having written this out, Adrienne finally found some rest. The following day, she would place it in a way that it was not so visible that people would read this letter ahead of the time it was supposed to be read and yet not hidden too well, so that they would find it when it would be necessary. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd like to thank everyone who helped me with details on the reception of Lamarque by the people in 1832 as well as the expectancies they had from his funeral. While I learned a lot of things, there might still be inadequacies.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It is June 5th and Adrienne goes to her arranged meeting with Marcel but has to wait for a long time...

When Adrienne woke up the following day, she immediately felt the sensation that this was an usual day like all the others. There was something in the air that suggested that something meaningful was about to happen.

It was not easy however for Adrienne to convince her family that this day was an adequate occasion to visit her friend Caroline. They kept repeating that there might be danger in the streets and didn’t want her to go out. They reminded her of 1830 and the barricade right in front of their house. There was no fighting at their place at his point, but there  _ could  _ have been and who knows what today would bring and she wanted to go out on her own under that circumstances? Adrienne tried her best at convincing them that Caroline’s home was far away from where the actual place where the funeral was about to take place and that if something would happen she certainly could stay there and wait until it would be over. In the end she won the battle and they would let her go while still keeping a queasy feeling about it. Adrienne felt guilty because she didn’t tell her family the truth, she lied at them and if they’d discover the truth, she would hurt them. And yet she did not doubt a second that she was doing what she was supposed to do. 

Adrienne said goodbye to her family and left the house by the front door. However, instead of going to the Rue de Chevreuse where Caroline lived, she immediately reentered the house through the back door and sneaked into Marie’s room where she would change her clothes. Over the past few months Marie and Adrienne had become a well-coordinated team when it came to transforming her into Adrien. Every touch was sure as they had gone through that process many times before, and today was no different. Yet it  _ felt _ different. Marie was more silent than usual and Adrienne could literally see on her face how much she was struggling between helping her as she always would and not wanting her to do what she did and not wanting Marcel to do what he was about to do. And yet she would never have said it, and she would never have attempted to do anything against it. The pain Marie was feeling at this moment was palpable and Adrienne felt a bad conscience arising in her and so she too stayed awkwardly silent during the whole process. She would wear the same clothes as she normally did when she went to the Musains and added simply a red neckerchief for the special occasion. 

And then she was ready to go. When it was time to say goodbye, both Marie and Adrienne had to fight their tears. They didn’t speak much, but they both surely thought a lot of things. Before Adrienne left, Marie whispered to her: “Please take care of yourself and of my brother”. They hugged each other one last time and then it was time for Adrienne to leave the house. 

Adrienne didn’t take the way to the Rue des Postes as she would when visiting Caroline, but walked through Rue des Poules instead. From there she reached Rue de l’Estrapade and Rue Clotilde from where it was not a long walk anymore to her destination. When she walked past the Pantheon Adrienne thought that the streets were looking surprisingly empty. Probably everyone went to see the funeral procession, she guessed. According to Marcel it would already have started at that point, but Adrienne had known that she wouldn’t make it outside that early, that’s why they arranged their meeting only around eleven. And they both agreed that even like that, they could still pay their last respects to the deceased Lamarque. 

The meeting place was the same as when they went to visit Marcel’s friends earlier that year: the church Saint-Étienne-du-Mont. Adrienne was relieved that they agreed to meet either outside or inside the church. Now that it was rainy outside, she highly appreciated this proactive attitude that Marcel had upon suggesting this. She thus climbed the steps in the front of the church and entered its doors. She sat down in the church and waited. Adrienne enjoyed the solemn atmosphere that she sensed in this holy place. She was by no way extraordinarily religious, but for some reason or the other she felt that this was a special way to enter this adventure, it felt almost like seeking guidance from above for their endeavours. In this spiritually enhancing moment Adrienne lost trace of all that was going on at this moment. Everything felt at ease and stimulatingly tense at the same time, a contradictory feeling for which there doesn’t seem to be an adequate word. There was just her, her hope and excitement and a vague feeling of God’s presence in this sacral room and there was nothing and no one that would have distracted her. 

After some time however Adrienne regained a sense of time and space and a look on the watch told her that it was already way past their arranged meeting time and there was no Marcel in sight. She started to worry. Had there been a misunderstanding? Was he distracted in some way? Or worse: did something happen to him? And the same second she realized that Marcel was not yet there even if he was supposed to, her inner peace and spiritual enlightenment no longer belonged to her. All she felt was anxiety and fear. She had no idea what was going on outside in the meantime and that scared her. She started to walk around impatiently and praying for Marcel’s safety. Why didn’t she take something to read with her? But there she was, with nothing but a small notebook and some apples that Marie had given to her when she left. She tried to distract herself by admiring the architecture of the church and wondering about all the different historical epochs that left their traces in it. Her thoughts however kept wandering back and forth. It was surely already noon by now, but Adrienne stopped controlling the time, she realized that knowing how much Marcel’s delay was increasing would make her only more anxious. She thought about other ways to distract herself. For instance she could look if she would find a bible somewhere and read it. And she started to think about how long she would still wait here or whether she should go out and see what was going on or and she even considered giving it up altogether. 

Just as she was thinking about this option, she finally noticed a figure entering the church. It was the long awaited Marcel who beckoned her over. 

“Thanks God, Marcel! I thought you wouldn’t come anymore!”, she exclaimed, as they left the church. 

“I am so sorry, Adrien, I never meant to let you wait here for so long, let alone abandon you. I did what I could, but it was impossible to come here any faster!”, answered Marcel who was completely out of breath. 

After a break he continued: “There were so many people on the streets when I left the house. It was like the whole neighbourhood was on its feet. I had a really hard time passing through the streets. As soon as I made it to the other side of the river I already was almost sure I would never ever have made it in time. And then I noticed all the soldiers gathered on this side of the Seine. I even had to make some detours to avoid their attention. I am pretty sure this is about to escalate, if it hasn’t escalated already…”

In fact the scenery had changed since Adrienne had entered the church. The streets were no longer empty, there were people everywhere now preparing for something that evidently was about to happen. 

“I hope you don’t mind still coming even if there might be bloodshed, Adrien”, said Marcel. 

Adrienne nodded even though she surprised herself with her courage. 

“Good. Let’s go quickly then, perhaps if we don’t go the way I’ve come, but go via Ile de la Cité and Ile St. Louis, we still make it in time”, commented Marcel. 

And thus they went towards the Rue de la Montagne Sainte Geneviève, while at some distance Adrienne could hear the first gunshots, that sounded to her like thunder announcing a storm.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to everyone who helped me find the right word when it came to clothing. <3


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adrienne and Marcel find both Marcel's friends and the Amis along the way and together they go ahead; they come to Rue de la Chanvrerie and build the barricades; Adrienne has to confess that she doesn't know how a gun works but she still can be helpful; Adrienne decides to chronicle the events of the barricade at Rue de la Chanvrerie; the arrest of Javert and the aftermath of the Le Cabuc incident from Adrienne's perspective.

Marcel and Adrienne reached the other bank of the Seine safely even though there was presence of armed forces even here. The sounds of fighting grew louder, the movement in the streets accelerated. The atmosphere was full of tension, but not in a bad way, it was full of expectancies, of hope and of determination. Even though the scenery was to a certain extent violent and angst-inducing, enthusiasm prevailed. At every street corner proclamations were read and people shouted “To arms!”. A man offered cartridges to those who passed by. 

At the height of the Rue des Prêtres-Saint-Paul, someone shouted Marcel’s name. It were his friends, Adrienne recognized some of them from the day she met them in the tavern. They were walking up the streets hastingly. 

“It has started! It is time to claim our rights!”, their leader exclaimed. 

“So there is no point in going back to the procession?”, asked Marcel

“No, it is all over. Chaos broke out and in the end the dragons made their charge and dissolved everything. I guess that means it is time to build some barricades!”, replied one of the workers. 

“We have something for you”, said another and handed a bayonet over to Marcel. 

“Where have you got that from?”

“Well, people have pillaged a three armorers’ shops and we happened to be there in the right moment”, said the oldest of them.

Adrienne was relieved he didn’t have another spare gun to give to her. While the past few months have taught her how to dress as a man, and possibly how to behave as a man, she sure has not learnt how to fight like a man. 

And thus they entered Rue de Jouy together and jointly they continued their path towards the quarter of the Halles. 

At the intersection with Rue Saint Antoine Adrienne spotted more familiar faces. It was a group of people of different origin of which some of the Amis had taken the lead. She saw Enjolras, Courfeyrac, Combeferre, Feuilly, Bahorel and Prouvaire. They recognized her and Marcel and beckoned them over, inviting them to join them. 

As they did, Courfeyrac put his arm over her shoulder and exclaimed: “Adrien! Nice that you have found your way as well…”

Combeferre who was standing next to him added: “It is wonderful that we found each other. We tried to reach out to you, but it turned out that none of us knows where you live or where else we could find you…”

“Hmm… It is not easy. I don’t think that my family would be happy to find any of you asking for me at the door…” Adrienne observed somewhat thoughtfully. 

“But you are here, Adrien, and that is what counts!”, found Courfeyrac.

“And you brought us reinforcement and this is very valuable because we need every man that joins us”, added Enjolras. 

Bahorel, who was himself wearing a scarlet waistcoat, had observed Adrienne’s fashion choices and commented them as follows: “Red becomes you, Dupont!”. He gave her a wink and gave her a pat on the back.

“Thank you, the same to you!”, replied Adrienne, who had to smile. 

And thus they continued their path. The further they got, the more people joined them, old and young. Adrienne felt touched by this sudden sense of unity that filled her with hope. She was where she was meant to be and she didn’t doubt this any second. The enthusiasm of the mob had transmitted itself upon her. She clearly sensed that they were about to make history. 

* * *

Adrienne didn’t recall how exactly they ended up in Rue de la Chanvrerie, she just followed her friends wherever they went and fully trusted upon them that they knew where they went. But eventually in Rue Saint Denis they met another trio of Amis who were staying at the other end of Rue de la Chanvrerie, in that wineshop called Corinthe, which she sure had heard of in the past few months but never personally had been there. And thus is was decided that this was the best place to build this barricade. 

Immediately a hectic ado arised and everyone began to collect material for the barricade. Adrienne herself lent a hand wherever she could. Sometimes she wondered where they took all these barrels, casks and blocks of stone from. It only took a few minutes, maybe a quarter of an hour until the street was already barred. 

From a distance she noticed how Grantaire, who was already drunk as usually, was babbling something she could not understand and was disrespectful to the women of the Corinthe instead of rendering himself useful. She was relieved to see that Enjolras was about to take care of him, because if there was anyone who could bring this drunkard to his senses, it was him. And indeed she constated that after an intense conversation between the two of them, Grantaire finally seemed to have calmed down. Adrienne had considered all of these only partly because she kept working on the barricade in the meantime. She didn’t care enough to consider it with full attention. 

If someone was at her concern, it was the women of the Corinthe themselves. Not only had they to deal with a nasty drunk customer, but they also were at the risk of losing everything in this battle. She, too, had to put up with the risk of losing everything. But it was one thing to come here as a result of one’s own choice or because the mob happens to raid your house taking everything they could to build a barricade and making of your place the headquarter of a rebellion? Of course, if the revolution would be successful, they could compensate them, but what if they would fail? Adrienne barely knew these people, but she felt pity as the insurgents were taking out more and more of their inventory. 

Reinforcement arrived and with it it more ammunition. The weather finally seemed to get a bit better. At least the rain had ceased. They continued to strengthen the first barricade in Rue de la Chanvrerie, and built a second one in the other narrow street on the other side of the Corinthe, Rue Mondétour. 

Once their work was done and the barricade complete, Adrienne stood at its feet and admired their accomplishment. That was a superb example of a barricade, the most impressive that she had ever seen, nothing in comparison to the one that people had built in front of their house in 1830, as this one was indeed intended to fight, not just to block off a street to make it less easy for the others to pass. That was an impressive fortress made out from scratch, out of barrels, furniture and stones. Even a dray and an overturned omnibus were added to it. On the top, a red flag was floating. 

It was at this point, as she was standing there lost in her thoughts, she noticed someone calling her. It was Courfeyrac, with a gun in his hand. She went over to him and asked him what the matter was. 

“Is it true that you are not yet armed?”, he asked her. 

“No, but it doesn’t really matter”, she replied. 

“You can have this gun if you want”, he suggested and was ready to hand it over to her, but Adrienne declined his offer.

“I can’t accept this. I know how short on arms and on ammunition we are. And thus I am convinced that there are others who can make better use of this gun than I do, for I don’t know how to use a gun, I never learnt this.”

“You don’t know how to shoot? Did you never go hunting with your dad or so?”

Adrienne shook her head. 

“But why didn’t you tell us before? We could have taught you!”

“I am sorry. I was afraid to tell. I thought maybe, if you know this, you won’t take me seriously anymore…”

“Oh no. Now it is probably too late anyway.  _ They  _ might arrive at any time and we can’t afford to waste ammunition anyway…”

“I am so sorry. I didn’t want to cause you troubles. I start having doubts if I am of any use here or if I am just standing you in the way…”

“Don’t say that, Dupont. I am sure there are many other ways you can make yourself useful here”, insisted Courfeyrac. 

Combeferre, who happened to stand closeby and overheard the conversation, added: “Courfeyrac is right. There are many ways that people can contribute to our struggle for it to become successful. We don’t have enough arms for every man who is with us now anyway. I am sure you can do something, like helping those who are making ammunition now inside the house, or once we will be attacked you could throw stones, or help us reload guns or care for the wounded. There is many things you can do. You don’t need to shoot a gun to help our cause.”

* * *

In the coming hours Adrienne indeed found many ways to make herself useful. She helped wherever they could use her assistance. She helped the women make lint and the men make ammunition. In a very short time she learned a whole bunch of new skills. They taught her how to mould bullets and how to make cartridges. She even learnt a great deal on how firearms work, as they showed her how to load them as well. Yet she would never have felt confident enough to make use of them, as she was just as afraid of hitting everything but the target as the bare idea of killing actual people filled her with horror. 

In a calmer minute Adrienne sat down on a window sill of the ground floor, granted herself one of the apples Marie had given to her and she picked up the small booklet she had brought with herself. She didn’t use that one often, for it was smaller than the one she brought to the Musain for instance, but it was much more easy to put this one in a pocket or something. It was still almost empty, there were just a few drawings she had previously made including one of that same day when she was sitting around in the church waiting for Marcel. Now she opened a new page and started to draw the barricade. She did that both to keep her thoughts focused and as an attempt to prove to herself and the world that this was indeed happening and she was about to witness history being written. Below the drawing she wrote  _ Drawn while waiting, 05.06.1832.  _ The drawing could have been considered complete at this point, but Adrienne considered adding a few more details. It was at this very moment that she noticed that someone was standing behind her. She turned herself around. It was Jean Prouvaire. 

“What are you drawing?” he asked and looked at her work. “Oh, I see, you are documenting our barricade for posterity…”

“I guess so. If I consider it like that, I actually like this idea of making sure that people will remember us and the ideas this barricade was built upon, no matter what will happen today.”

“I really think that is a meaningful idea, Dupont, if you want I can make a small contribution as well…”

“Of course you can make your part of it, maybe write some introductory words or so…”, Adrienne said and handed the booklet and the pencil over to Prouvaire. 

They switched places as it was now Jean Prouvaire who was sitting at the windowsill and using the last remaining bits of natural light that came through the narrow Rue de la Chanvrerie for his writing. In the meantime Adrienne went back and helped making some more cartridges. 

After some time Jean Prouvaire came back and gave back what Adrienne had lent him. 

“Let me have a look”, she said and opened the booklet once more and began to read:

_ To the future readers of the following notes, whoever they may be, historians of the 19th century in France or simply our descendants _

_ This is the account of a group of people who set out on this very day to make history. On this date people from different origin, young and old, poor and wealthy, workers and students, men and women, have come together to build this barricade, to fight for a better future. Whereas our background is different, we stand here united today by a common cause which is to create a France that is more equal, more just and where there is a place for everyone. At this point we may not know what the immediate future will bring us, but we are prepared to give what is in our power to make this country a better place, no matter what that will mean for us. May this barricade built out of improvised friendship between people who met themselves for the first time and yet are united by a common goal be remembered.  _

“Oh my goodness, this is perfect!”, Adrienne stated with a smile. “These are exactly my thoughts, but put into words in a way I never could have done. Thank you!”

Adrienne and Jean Prouvaire were still at the window together when Courfeyrac asked them if they wanted to join the others. And thus they went to a corner of the wine-shop where the other Amis were, that is except Grantaire who had fallen asleep and Enjolras who wanted to keep an eye on what was going on on the other side of the barricade, and joined them as they sat there, their weapons ready at hand for the case the barricade would be attacked which could be at any time. So far no soldier or national guard had made his way to Rue de la Chanvrerie, even though the sound of battle happening elsewhere could be heard and signaled that it was only a question of time until  _ they  _ would arrive here too. Adrienne listened to the stories of their youth that they told. She herself didn’t say much, because she didn’t know any stories to tell, her youth was a secret to them and Adrien’s didn’t exist outside of her imagination and thus was a territory she didn’t want to risk. She started drawing again, as well as she could even though the only source of light she had at this point was some dim candlelight. She drew the Amis as they were sitting there and wrote another description:  _ Remembering the days gone by. _ When Jean Prouvaire recited a poem, she wrote it down as well. She did everything she could to keep her busy, to keep her thoughts focussed, so that she wouldn’t worry about the hours to come. She was adding more details as Marcel, who was with those who made cartridges, came over and stopped as he was looking on her drawing. 

“Adrien, this is amazing! I didn’t know you could draw like this. They really look like real people to be, as if they were about to move at any time. But the reason I’ve come is that we could really need some more help. Would you mind lending us a hand one more time?”

Of course Adrienne couldn’t say no, and thus she went with him and got back to work.

* * *

After a while something crossed Adrienne’s thoughts and she paused: “The night is coming and still  _ they  _ have not arrived here… What does that mean, Marcel?”

“If you ask me that means that  _ they  _ are waiting for reinforcement, when they will attack they will do so with full force”, Marie’s brother answered while supplying her with more bullets. 

While she continued making cartridges, she also continued observing what was going on around her attentively. From the corner of her eye she noticed how all of a sudden the boy whose name she would learn only later stood up as if he had seen something. Adrienne wondered what it was that he had seen because she hadn’t seen anything in particular in this barely lit room. 

While she continued her work, Adrienne now followed with even more curiosity and precaution how the situation developed. She observed how Enjolras accosted the gamin and gave him some task to do. The latter used the occasion to tell her brother something in a low voice. Adrienne was sure he was telling him the thing he just saw. Sadly she still couldn’t figure out what all of this was about, because they were evidently not speaking loud enough for her to hear. 

The more this situation developed, the less Adrienne focused on her work. While she still held a bullet in her hand ready to be handled, her eyes didn’t abandon the scenery she was about to witness. She saw how Enjolras, once the conversation with the boy was concluded, approached a dock worker, who happened to stand nearby and gave him instructions. Again Adrienne didn’t understand what this was all about, for he spoke with even lower tone almost than previously with Gavroche. 

Adrienne was in alert when the man left the house to come back with three more workers of the same stature as he was. They encircled a man who was sitting in the darkest corner of the tap-room and seemingly contemplating something without noticing what was happening around him. Adrienne didn’t know this man. She had seen him for the first time today, possibly on the streets already and certainly here at the barricade. Enjolras approached the stranger and asked him who he was. 

Adrienne got up and made a few steps forward so that she could listen while still keeping a reasonable distance. She will never forget the expression of disdain and determination the man demonstrated when he answered her brother’s question. 

**“I see what it is. Well, yes!”** , he said. 

**“You are a police spy?”** , asked Enjolras.

So that is what the boy had seen, Adrienne thought. He recognized him as a policemen. 

**“I am an agent of the authorities”** , the man replied. 

Upon a that Enjolras made, the men secured him much to the relief of an Adrienne who was only slowly realizing the danger she brought herself into. They searched him and found indeed a document that was proving that he was  **“JAVERT, inspector of police”** that was signed by the Prefect of Police. 

The events that just occurred left Adrienne with mixed feelings. She didn’t know what she should think about all of these. On one side she was impressed by the boy of whom she would learn only later that he called himself Gavroche. Yes, he could be very sassy, perhaps even naughty at times, but at the same time Adrienne was fascinated by his self-confidence, a thing she could only dream of. And despite his young age and evidently being a street urchin, he seemed to have knowledge and wisdom that many people would never achieve in their whole lives. And his service for this barricade was priceless. Adrienne could recall very well how he continued to motivate everyone upon building the barricade and insisting that this fortress should become even stronger and higher. And now he recognized a police spy and thus probably prevented them from major danger. 

At the same time even now that he had been uncovered, the sheer presence of this man called Javert disturbed her. It made her angry how he abused their trust by pretending to be one of them. Retrospectively she considered his behaviour to be suspicious, but back then she wouldn’t have thought that far that this could be a agent of the police who was infiltrating them. And even at this point, as the spy was bound to the post in the middle of the room, he was the constant reminder that it was not as it had been before Gavroche had spoken up. This man had forced Enjolras to say the following words:  **“You will be shot ten minutes before the barricade is taken.”** Hearing this sentence spoken out by her brother made Adrienne shiver. But this was only the beginning of unpleasant revelations…

* * *

Shortly after the incident with the uncovered spy Javert, Adrienne went to check on the women and asked them if she could help in anyway. The owner of the wineshop asked her if she could go up in the second floor where she had her own apartment. She remembered that she might have stored some first aid supplies that could well be necessary anytime soon. However she didn’t see very well in the dark and thus preferred handing over the task to Adrienne as she happened to be around. And thus Adrienne climbed the stairs to the upper floor and followed the instructions of Mother Hucheloup. Adrienne used the improvised privacy she found up there do get to do something what she considered overdue. It was the first time she had stayed outside of her own home like that. Only here she felt safe enough however, she would have never tried to make her business outside, where you never knew who was to arrive next and it would have been a great risk to get her uncovered. 

She was still there, struggling with the complications of male dress in a Necessary situation, as she heard a detonation, following some very vocal conversation. Adrienne was in the dark and had no idea what was going on, what this sound meant that was so different from the confused noises and the rare fusillades far away. This sound was much closer. Yet her intuition told her that it would sound differently if the barricade was attacked. Had they decided to shoot the spy already?

The whole situation made her feel a bit unsure. And she thus decided to make as quickly as possible so that she could see what was going on out there. However it took her a minute to get dressed again for she still wasn’t used to getting dressed in male clothing and this was aggravated furthermore by the fact that is was dark and she was entirely on her own. She hadn’t closed all the buttons yet, when she heard another explosion, just as singular as the first one. She went downstairs again, handed over to Madame Hucheloup what she had asked for and then went to see what was going on. 

When she arrived outside she found the men standing in a circle. Adrienne couldn’t yet see what was behind them, but she found Marcel and asked him about what happened.

“I haven’t seen everything, but from what I can tell is that there was this nasty man. Perhaps he was drunk, perhaps he was just being disrespectful, I don’t know. I don’t know who he was, had never seen him before. Evidently this guy now had got into his head that we need to occupy that house over there because he considered this to be somehow strategically important, I don’t know. Anyway, he really was about to raid that house. And in the process he didn’t shy away from killing an innocent man.” He indicated a small window in the house facing the Rue Saint Denis. Indeed Adrienne could see the motionless head of the dead porter over there. “Thankfully Enjolras was on the spot and could prevent this murderer from causing more damage. I don’t want to depict what over cruel things this man would have done next…”

“Is he alright? Enjolras I mean, not the murderer…”, asked Adrienne worriedly. 

“I think so, apart from just having been obliged to shoot a murderer. As for that one, he is dead now, so he won’t harm anyone else. They have just picked his body up and thrown it over the small barricade.”

Still appalled by the terrible news she just had heard, Adrienne reassumed her place on the windowsill and decided to write this horrible message down as well. It was the second time already that someone abused their trust. First there was the spy that wanted to hand them over to the police. And now this man who stained their cause by killing an innocent porter. She wrote as fast as she could about how this was not their intention and how the order was being reestablished with the execution of the murderer. At the same time she couldn’t ignore her brother whose face she could now see from this new position. With worry she observed how his facial expression had changed. Its serenity had vanished and was slowly replaced by some sort of melancholic pensiveness. She had no doubt that what happened had transformed him and that he regretted what had had to be done. She felt pity for him and at the same time she was relieved that she didn’t have to witness any of this directly. 

It was when she was lost in this kind of thoughts, that all at once Enjolras raised his voice. Adrienne tried to write down as much of what he was saying for the record, to make his words preserved for posterity, to make sure what their intentions were and what they weren’t. 

**_Citizens, what that man did is frightful, what I have done is horrible. He killed, therefore I killed him. I had to do it, because insurrection must have its discipline. Assassination is even more of a crime here than elsewhere; we are under the eyes of the Revolution, we are the priests of the Republic, we are the victims of duty, and must not be possible to slander our combat. I have, therefore, tried that man, and condemned him to death. As for myself, constrained as I am to do what I have done, and yet abhorring it, I have judged myself also, and you shall soon see to what I have condemned myself._ **

**_One word more. In executing this man, I have obeyed necessity; but necessity is a monster of the old world, necessity’s name is Fatality. Now, the law of progress is, that monsters shall disappear before the angels, and that Fatality shall vanish before Fraternity. It is a bad moment to pronounce the word love. No matter, I do pronounce it. And I glorify it. Love, the future is thine. Death, I make use of thee, but I hate thee. Citizens, in the future there will be neither darkness nor thunderbolts; neither ferocious ignorance, nor bloody retaliation._ **

**_In the future no one will kill any one else, the earth will beam with radiance, the human race will love. The day will come, citizens, when all will be concord, harmony, light, joy and life; it will come, and it is in order that it may come that we are about to die._ **

Adrienne was affected deeply by the words her brother had spoken. Partially because they resonated so deeply with her thoughts, but at the same time she was also shocked by the things that just happened, of his hands splattered with someone else’s blood, his regret upon having had to kill, his explicit statement of his will to die on this barricade, their will to die on this barricade. At this moment she wished they had never entered this bloody adventure and they would never have lost their innocence, that she would wake up and find out that this was only a nightmare and in the afternoon she’d go to the Musain and all would be the way it had always been. But this barricade was far to real and it was clear that soon it would become even more dangerous to be here. Yet it it was out of question to run away. Adrienne would never abandon her brother, her friends and the cause that united them. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I used some direct quotes from the original work of Victor Hugo in English translation. These are indicated in bold, whereas handwritten parts continue to be written in cursive. 
> 
> In conclusion I would to thank everyone who engaged in the various discussions on shooting capacities or toilet situations in 1832. You have made a meaningful contribution to the development of the longest chapter so far (that is actually more than one chapter in one). Specifically I would like to thank PilferingApples who helped me find the right words for a delicate situation.


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adrienne witnesses the first attack on the barricade, develops new fighting techniques, witnesses death and mourns one of her closest friends. 
> 
> Basically 4.14.1-4.14.5 from The Brick but from Adrienne's perspective.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter includes notions of death around the barricade, however it doesn't go much into detail.   
> Also there is somewhat of a discussion on human excrements and that also doesn't exclude vulgar denomination of said excrements.

Adrienne just had brought a basket full of fully assembled cartridges and positioned it on the table from which Courfeyrac had distributed ammunition earlier, when she heard a singing voice that was coming closer and closer. 

“What’s that?”, she asked.

**“That is Gavroche,” said Enjolras.**

**“He is warning us,” said Combeferre.**

It meant the time had come. 

And then she perceived already the gamin climbing over the barricade with an agility of a cat or perhaps a monkey, announcing  _ their  _ arrival. That was when Adrienne learnt his name. 

At this point everything had do go quickly. Everybody seized their weapons and they took the assigned positions. Adrienne herself stayed behind the barricade, next to the table with the ammunition and waited for further instructions. She was prepared to either reload spare guns or care for the wounded, once there would be some - basically everything that didn’t require her to participate actively in the battle. She still prayed that that wouldn’t happen, because she was afraid she wouldn’t know what to do. 

Then she heard  _ them _ . She didn’t see anything from behind the barricade but she heard them very well. First she heard footsteps, many footsteps. Hadn’t she known what they were up to, she would have probably imagined some terrible monster, a gigantic millepede or so. But the reality wasn’t any better. The idea of an entire regiment approaching their barricade was no better than the idea of a disproportionate man-eating arthropod. 

And the marching stopped. What followed was a strange deceptive silence. This in turn was dissolved by a voice shouting:  **“Who goes there?”**

Enjolras promptly answered pridefully:  **“The French Revolution!”**

The voice answered his call by shouting:  **“Fire!”**

What followed seemed to Adrienne as if a sudden thunderstorm had broken out. First she perceived sort of a flash that enlightened the whole street for an instant. And then followed a heavy detonation. The red flag fell down from the top of the barricade as if it had been struck by lightning. 

There were already the first wounded which meant that Adrienne could finally make herself useful and no longer had to simply stand there anxiously. She was among those who helped them inside and in the meantime she was still to the conversation of the others.

**“Comrades! Let us not waste our powder. Let us wait until they are in the street before replying”** , she heard Courfeyrac shout. 

With incomprehension she perceived how Enjolras insisted at least three times that someone should bring the red flag back to its position. For an instance she was afraid that her brother had lost his mind. Why did he insist so much on this? Hadn’t he heard that  _ they  _ had reloaded their guns? Sending someone up there at this point was life-threatening. Of course she could understand the symbolism of their flag. But endangering someone for this simple act when the barricade needed every man for the upcoming battle? It made no sense to her. 

She was about to reenter the wine shop when she almost walked into the old men. Surprised she lets him pass through and followed him with her eyes. 

Adrienne saw how he approached the barricade, snatched the flag out of the hand of a bewildered Enjolras who made a few steps back both in confusion and amazement. Adrienne herself watched with both awe and fear this old man climbing the stairs made of paving-stones that leaded to the top of the barricade. She could not take her eyes from him as he was standing on top waving the red flag, both vulnerable and strong at once. 

Never would she forget his voice as he shouted:  **“Long live the Revolution! Long live the Republic! Fraternity! Equality! and Death!”**

As he didn’t step back even after  _ their  _ call to retire, it became clear to Adrienne that this man  _ wanted  _ to die. In fact he had seemed more dead than alive already the entire time he had been with them, now that she thought about it. 

The last thing she saw was the old man lifting the red flag and repeating his call: **“Long live the Republic!”**

Then she closed her eyes as she knew what was about to happen. And she didn’t want to see. It was awful enough to hear. 

* * *

If you asked Adrienne later what had happened in the moments following that painful detonation, she couldn’t recall it completely. Even when she reopened her eyes, her vision stayed blurry. She would remember a lose composition of images including Enjolras leaning over the old man’s body, declaring something about the lesson the old had given the young and that they now shall defend this barricade in his name. She wouldn’t be able to retell every single word, but she sure would remember the sense of her brother’s words. 

Once she regained full control over her senses, Adrienne went inside. There she witnessed how they solemnly brought the old man’s corpse into the tap-room. Meanwhile Adrienne helped care for the wounded under the instruction of those who had studied medicine. It helped her a lot to stay focused and not to think about the danger that was still imminent. 

It was there that she heard Gavroche screaming:  **“Look out!”**

Everyone who was still inside rushed out. Adrienne was still with the wounded. She told some of the others who were still with her: “If you are of better use out there, go! I’ll take care!” And thus some of them left the house, as well as those who were injured but considered themselves still able to fight. Adrienne tried to be of as much help as possible, but the things happening outside by and by made it more difficult to stay focused.

The sounds of fighting intensified and as she was looking out of the window she saw  _ them  _ as they were already climbing the barricade. 

The closer they got, more of the insurgents transitioned to the inside and claimed the Corinthe as their fortress now. Adrienne recognized among them Feuilly and Marcel and they asked her to join her and go upstairs. She followed them, thought that maybe it would be better because in the case  _ they _ really came over the barricade, the ground floor would be the first they would take. Together they went to the second floor. There she looked out of the window. What she could see despite the bad lighting did not please her. The soldiers had reached the top of the barricade and covered more than the half of it. And the few insurgents that had stayed outside, among them her brother, Combeferre and Prouvaire,stood there with their backs leaned at the house at the rear end of the street. It didn’t look good. Death now seemed so close and she was not ready for that. Some probably died already in the meantime. And the thought that she was about to witness that all and that she would not know how to defend herself in the case  _ they  _ would come after her, made her shiver. 

Yet she could not just let  _ them _ come over the barricade without action from her part. At this very moment she finally had an idea how to show  _ them _ her indignation. She went to the other room of the Hucheloup’s place and picked up the full chamber pot that she had previously abandoned there after the two shots had fallen. She carried it back to the room facing Rue de la Chanvrerie. 

Feuilly, at the sight of her asked her: “Is this what it looks like, Dupont?”

“Yes. These are genuine human excrements”, Adrienne replied. 

And thus she approached the window closest to the barricade, very much aware that that risk she was exposing herself, but she had said to herself, if she’d die anyway, she preferred it to be this way, for this was better than if  _ they  _ came after her in the house and killed her or  _ worse _ . 

She then eventually worked up the courage to dispose of the content of said pot over the barricade. As soon as she accomplished this vicious attack, Marcel however shouted “Look out, Adrien!”, seizing her and tearing her down to the floor. And he was right in doing so: because her attack indeed was successful, it of course could not be left unanswered. And that was to be done not just verbally. As soon as she was down on the floor, a bullet flung right through the window where she had been standing and ended up stuck somewhere in the rear end of the room. Thankfully no one was hurt by it, much to Adrienne’s relief, and also her clothing had stayed in place. 

The others were quite impressed by her move, but they didn’t have the time to congratulat e her as the fighting was about to continue. Enjolras told them not to fire at random, so they were basically waiting for his command. Adrienne in the meantime crawled more or less to the other end of the room where she was the furthest away from the barricade and yet scarily close enough. And there she stayed and waited, as she had previously done behind the barricade. There she was as both sides fired more or less at the same time. Sadly it hit some of the man who were on the second floor with her. Without even overthinking it, Adrienne did what had to be done. She helped carry them away from the danger zone, ideally behind the wall. There it was that Adrienne made her first really close encounter with death, as one of the wounded, a young worker, perhaps from Marcel’s group, perhaps from another, Adrienne hadn’t known him previously, died away basically in her arms. She stayed where she was and prayed for a miracle. 

There she was when he heard a voice resound from outside the house. It sounded like a thunder. 

Adrienne, who hadn’t any idea about what was going on, asked: “What was this?”

Feuilly, who was still at one of the windows, murmured: “It’s Pontmercy, no idea where he has come from, and he has the barrel of powder and the torch and he is threatening to blow up the barricade!”

Adrienne came somewhat closer, but still kept a reasonable distance to both the windows and the barricade as she feared an exploding barrel of gunpowder just as much as she feared the bullets of their opponents. 

Now however she could understand clearly the words. 

**“Be off with you, or I’ll blow up the barricade!”** , she heard Pontmercy repeating his threat. 

**“Blow up the barricade! And yourself with it!”** , replied one of  _ them _ .

Pontmercy’s response came promptly:  **“And myself also.** ”

He was as certain about his intentions as the old man was previously. 

Adrienne waited for the explosion, but nothing came. 

Instead she heard Feuilly’s surprised voice: “It worked! They’re retreating!”

Adrienne ran to the window and when she looked down she saw the abandoned barricade and at the other end of the street the last ones of  _ them  _ disappeared into the night. The barricade was saved, for now. 

With a sigh of relief Adrienne sat down on the floor.

She had prayed for a miracle and it had been delivered in an unexpected way. This was the first time Adrienne actually saw Marius Pontmercy. She had however heard from him at the Musain and even today as they were complaining about his unwillingness to join them. And now he appeared out of the nothing and saved them all, was even ready to give his own life for them. There he was, the unlikely saviour of the barricade. 

* * *

Adrienne benefited of this sudden moment of rest to relax a bit and collect herself. However this didn’t last long as there were many things that needed to be done. One of the others in the room, she didn’t recall who it was, helped her up and then they went downstairs. They brought their wounded with them because it was on the ground floor where they had stored most of the supplies to treat their wounds. 

Downstairs they found the rest of them surrounding Marius Pontmercy who didn’t really seem to know what happened to him. 

It was there, in the general enthusiasm of the liberated barricade that Gavroche asked “Who was it actually that threw that poop over the guard?”

Adrienne felt somewhat embarrassed by that question and didn’t say anything. 

This task was resumed by Feuilly who much to her further embarrassment pointed at her by saying “That was our dear Dupont who was experimenting new forms of warfare.”

“Good job!”, exclaimed Gavroche and gave her a pat on the back. “Finally someone showed them what they really are: one giant piece of shit.”

Luckily they all soon focused on other things. They reinforced the barricade, posted some more sentinels again, whereas  _ they  _ kept being heart at the end of the street but kept their distance, seemed to wait for new instructions or reinforcements. Adrienne assisted the students of medicine as they cared for the wounded. 

She was about to go for the sharpie on the table, when someone called her: “Dupont?”

It was Courfeyrac who was standing at the entrance of the house. 

“Yes?”, she asked. 

“Do you know where Prouvaire is?”

Of course they asked her. They knew that she and Prouvaire got along well.

“No… What’s the matter?”

In fact she hadn’t seen him anymore since she had looked out of the window on the second floor. And that was way before Pontmercy made his heroic deed. 

“Well. We don’t know where he is. So he isn’t among the wounded?”

“No.”

“Let us look one more time, just to be sure. I come with you.”

And thus they went and examined the wounded. Some of them were covered heavily in blood, but even so they could make clear that none of them was Jean Prouvaire. They were almost through all of them when Combeferre joined them. He had come from the dead - none of them was Prouvaire. 

Enjolras who had controlled the upper floors also didn’t find any trace that would lead to their friend. 

“If Prouvaire is not here among as, he is not elsewhere in the house, not among the wounded, not among the dead. That can only mean one thing…”, Enjolras concluded. 

“Do you mean  _ they… _ ”, Adrienne realized with horror, unable to speak out what just had crossed her mind

“...have taken him as their prisoner? Yes, that is what I fear”, he answered her. 

**Combeferre said to Enjolras: “They have our friend; we have their agent. Are you set on the death of that spy?”**

**“Yes,” replied Enjolras; “but less so than on the life of Jean Prouvaire.”**

Combeferre was brilliant. While she was feeling helpless, he thought out a strategy to save Prouvaire. He wanted to negotiate with  _ them _ . And he even had something, or rather someone, to offer in exchange for their friend. Adrienne agreed with Enjolras. On one hand she was scared about the idea to let this spy go. It was not so much that he had betrayed them by pretending to be one of them that bothered her, but the fact that he, once set free, would betray them again by reporting on them. On the other hand she thought it was worth the risk if only it would bring Prouvaire back. 

**“Well,” resumed Combeferre, “I am going to fasten my handkerchief to my cane, and go as a flag of truce, to offer to exchange our man for theirs.”**

**“Listen,” said Enjolras, laying his hand on Combeferre’s arm.**

She listened and what she heard didn’t please her at all. It was a significant clash of arms coming from the end of the street. 

Without even thinking, Adrienne ran to the window and tried to see what happened. But she didn’t see anything for it was too dark and between her and  _ them  _ there was the barricade. It almost seemed to her that they didn’t  _ want _ to be seen. 

As she was standing there leaning out of the window she heard a voice shout: “Vive la France! Long live France! Long live the future!” 

Even though his voice sounded so much different, so much stronger than usually, Adrienne recognized it immediately: it was Prouvaire. 

She wanted to answer his call, tell him they noticed and that they were with him, tell them that they were ready to negotiate and that they couldn’t get away with depriving them of their friend without their knowledge. But she didn’t bring out a single word. 

These were the painful moments when one of her closest friends was both still alive and already dead at once. 

She kept standing there petrified and looking in the direction of the barricade with horror even when she noticed the flash and the detonation following it. 

For an instant the world stood still for Adrienne. Then she felt physical pain as if they had shot her instead. Still she gripped the windowsill, it was the same one that both her and Jean Prouvaire sat on earlier, memories that now seemed unreal. 

Adrienne spend the following minutes in sort of a delirium. She felt both grief for the lost friend and anger at  _ them  _ who made their own laws and eliminated within seconds one of the most precious people in her life. She barely remembered what she did in the following instance, as her pain numbed all her senses. All she recalled was an angry stare she gave to the spy, as he was the only graspable representant of  _ them  _ to whom she could express her indignation and Courfeyrac who touched her shoulder and wanted to reassure her. But at this point all she wanted was to be alone and give vent to her feelings. She felt tears rise and she didn’t want to cry in front of all of them, especially as she was still pretending to be a man and she felt like that was not an option. She broke away and escaped to the second floor, which was now empty again. She sat down at the darkest corner, the one the furthest away from everything, specifically the barricade. She sat on the floor for there was nothing to sit on anymore, as they had carried down the mattress for the wounded. And there she sat and sobbed terribly. And even when all the tears were shed, she kept sitting there without moving. And all what she could think about was  _ Jehan. _

She wondered what he felt while all of this had happened. Was he afraid when  _ they _ captured him, and even more when  _ they _ took aim. But his voice didn’t sound fearful. Now that she thought about it, she was impressed by the courage and the determination that her friend had proved in the face of death. And she thought that he had to be an example to all of them, her specifically. It was that thought that caused her to stand up again and regain her strength. And thus she went downstairs and asked Joly what needed to be done. 


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> At some time between night and morning Adrienne writes down her thoughts on the things that happened on the barricade...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter includes some more discussion of death as it happens on barricades.

In the following hours Adrienne distracted herself by making herself useful as much as possible. She helped reinforcing the barricade, cleaning the house, making ammunition, as long as they had material left, and caring for the wounded. Whenever someone asked for help, she would step in if it was in her power. As long as she was busy in the present she didn’t have to think about what happened and about what would eventually happen. 

In a calmer minute Adrienne sat down at the candlelight that still barely enlightened the room and resumed her writing. As she opened the booklet, her gaze settled on the words Jean Prouvaire had written earlier, signed with  _ J.P., at the barricade, Rue de la Chanvrerie, June 5th _ . As she read these lines once again, saw his handwriting, she felt again that pain in her chest. Adrienne sighed and flipped to the next empty page and started writing: 

_ Bulletin of the barricade at Rue de Chanvrerie as of 2am _

_ I was thinking whether I should write sort of a bulletin, the way the newspaper write them with the cholera numbers. But in the end I decided otherwise. While the exact numbers would surely interest the historians of today’s events, I am afraid that there is a risk that there is also another potential target group that could get hold of them and rather shouldn’t. Therefore the decision has been made that these facts are to be omitted for the time being. After all these numbers are also quite secondary. What I can say is that as of today I have witnessed people getting hurt, people dying - some because they wanted to preserve the  _ status quo,  _ others because they strived for a better future. Much blood has been shed in this summer night. I will never forget what I have seen today and what I have heard, no matter if I myself will survive this. And by writing these lines I am doing my part so that also the world doesn’t forget what has happened here, for things like that have to be told and they have to be told from our perspective as well. We can’t leave the historiography of the events to the other side. And they will sure bear witness. So shall we. Never will I forget the old man standing on the barricade, waving the red flag. Never will I forget how they shot him, this unarmed man of eighty years. Never will I stop wondering what caused his willingness to die on this barricade. Never will I forget the sight of the dead and of the wounded. I’ve spend the last few hours caring for the latter, men from both sides. The two municipal guardsmen who are gravely wounded were attended to first of all. Never will I forget the two men who died in my arms today. The first one was a stranger. The second one I had barely known and yet he lived along to tell me who he was. Shot at the barricade, he was severely wounded and died only when I was with him. I am now going to share his story because very much aware he told me about his pregnant wife. His hope was that someone may care for her now that he would be gone. He also wants her to know that upon dying his last thoughts entirely belonged to his wife and their unborn child. I am writing this down as I don’t know if I will be able to convey his last wish and hope that someone else will do this in the case I can’t. His name was Alain Dubois and his wife is Eveline Dubois née Thomas. Their address is 40, Rue Sainte Marguerite, Faubourg Saint-Antoine, Paris. Never will I forget the sight of the first of my friends dead. Only few hours before that we still had a good time together. And now his body lay at my feet immobile, covered with blood as he was hit with a bayonet. That is all that remains of Bahorel, possibly the most determined among us. Never will I forget the sound that announced that they had killed one of my closest friends. They managed to hide this awful deed from our eyes, but they didn’t hide it from our ears. Never will I forget how that detonation silenced our friend’s voice forever. Never will I forget how this night made its own laws. Never will I forget that brutality that turned one of the most amazing men I ever met into nothing but spoils of war. Never will I forgive them their inability to see anything in him but a criminal and a traitor. Never will I forgive them their inability to see in him a fellow human and to treat him as such. Never will I forgive them how they deprived this world of one of its most precious souls, a poet who cared about this world more than many would ever be capable. Still I can’t understand that he is no longer with us, that he will write no more word. Nothing will ever bring him back, not even a victory in this battle. He is gone forever and and he has left a gap behind. Never will I forget him, and I hope that by writing this word neither shall posterity. I hope that one day his poems will be read and his work for society acknowledged, for he deserves this so much. His name was Jean Prouvaire and he is the author of the introductory words to this documentation of the events at the barricade of Rue de la Chanvrerie.  _

Adrienne made a break in writing and decided to do something different. She started to draw Jean Prouvaire as long as she still remembered his face. She drew a closer caption of the drawing she had made earlier that evening, with Prouvaire’s face enlightened by a candle as he recited one of his poems. Adrienne was satisfied by the result as she succeeded in reproducing the solemnity in his face as he was doing the thing he could do best. Once the drawing was complete, Adrienne added a description:  _ Jean Prouvaire as he shall be remembered.  _

Then she resumed her writing:

_ This is how I witnessed how those on the other side of this barricade captured one of us and shot him before we even could intervene. Unlike many others here I have not studied law, so I don’t know if this is even legal. But after all this terrible June night has its own laws. All I can say is that as of this night the injustice in this country seems to have reached a new peak. The violence that this government uses against its own citizens is horrendous. It deeply upsets me that the only way to achieve fundamental change here seems to be to take arms and build barricades, as even more peaceful initiatives are violently suppressed. Never will I understand this excess of violence that we have been exposed to. Yes, the people who are on this barricade have joined an armed insurrection, they are not innocent, but they are not barbarians. And I have joined them to this battle because I consider this to be part as my duty as citizen of this country as much as they do. And I still I hope that at the dawn of all this horrendous bloodshed there will be the chance for a better future for all of us. Because that is what we are here for today. Not for the adventure, not for the bloodshed, but a more just future of France. That is what we strive for, a more righteous form of organising this society where there is no king, but a emancipated people who governs itself wisely. A society where there is a place for everyone, men and women, where everybody can develop their personalities freely and be true to themselves without constraints, where no one needs to suffer from hunger or violence, where good quality education is accessible to everyone, where everyone is treated with respect and solidarity, where healthcare is open for everyone who needs it - that is what we are here for today.  _

Once she had all her thoughts conveyed to the paper, Adrienne signed her account the same way as Prouvaire had done it:  _ Barricade Rue de la Chanvrerie, 6th of June, early morning, A.D. _

As she was sitting there, Adrienne noticed a sigh. It came from Courfeyrac: “It’s unbelievable. I just searched the whole house and there is no food left. Nothing.”

“Are you hungry?”, Adrienne asked.

Courfeyrac nodded. “I haven’t eaten much since yesterday morning”, he said. 

“Neither have I”, answered Adrienne who herself felt sort of an emptiness in her stomach. Whereas she ate more than usually at home, she hadn’t had any real meal ever since. 

She reached for the last one of the apples that Marie had given to her. “This is all that I’ve left. We can share it, if you want.”

“But… I can’t eat away your food.”, Courfeyrac replied. 

“And I can’t let you starve. Come on, as we are sitting here we share the same fate, so we may as well share this apple”, Adrienne insisted. 

And thus they sat together and shared Adrienne’s last apple in a brotherly way. 

With relief Adrienne constated that the three women of the Corinthe had found refuge in one of the neighbouring houses. Like that they were no longer exposed to a fight that was not theirs that had already deprived them of so much. But like that at least they themselves hopefully would not be harmed. 

In the following time Adrienne tried to rest a bit, after all Enjolras himself had suggested that they should get a bit of sleep. Adrienne however could not fall asleep. The impression of being behind a barricade that still could be attacked at any moment, the memories of the past hours and the absence of anything that would come at least close to a bed prevented her from doing so.    
She thus just sat there, stayed with the others, listened to their conversations and above all she enjoyed what could well possibly be the last few instances that she could enjoy their company. 

She tried not to think about what the future would bring, and opted to live in the moment. No one knew what the next morning would bring. Their past success gave them some hope that maybe they could hold their barricade also the following day, that meant at least so long until they would eventually get some backing or long enough to actually make some pressure on the government. But it also could mean abandonment and death. And only dawn would show what would be their destiny...


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Adrienne hears Enjolras' bad news, would love to discuss the situation of women with Combeferre, is relieved that Marcel is among those chosen to leave the barricade and is touched by Enjolras' vision of the future...

Adrienne sat on the floor, leaning at the wall under the still open window. She stared into the void somehow lost in her thoughts. She wouldn’t recall exactly what she thought of, whether it was of Marie and those she left behind, or whether it was the day that was about to come and their unsure destiny, or even something completely diverse, such as the deaths she witnessed or tasks that needed to be done. At this particular moment however she rested, since all the cartridges had been made and the medicine students currently didn’t need her help. 

Behind her the atmosphere was still filled with hope, hope for victory and hope for a better future they would help creating. The snippets of conversation that she had overheard were all about the support they would get sooner or later, from the army, from all of Paris, from the people of France. In the distance one could hear the sound of the alarm bell of Saint-Merry, the indication that they were not the only ones still holding out. 

It was the sudden change in the atmosphere that wrenched Adrienne from her thoughts. All of the sudden the enthusiastic whispers that had accompanied the storm bell ceased. It was as if suddenly clouds had emerged on the blue sky of hope. Adrienne stood up and looked out of the window. Now all she could hear was her brother’s voice. She knew that he had been out there, made reconnaissance as he had said. He must have news, she thought. And thus she listened:

**“The whole army of Paris is to strike. A third of the army is bearing down upon the barricades in which you now are. There is the National Guard in addition. I have picked out the shakos of the fifth of the line, and the standard-bearers of the sixth legion. In one hour you will be attacked. As for the populace, it was seething yesterday, to-day it is not stirring. There is nothing to expect; nothing to hope for. Neither from a faubourg nor from a regiment. You are abandoned.”**

These words struck like thunder. They came so suddenly, Adrienne was not prepared for them. The silence that followed them was frightening. 

Amongst all this bad news, Adrienne had not noticed that someone was standing behind her. Now she turned around and realized it was Combeferre who had quickly checked on the wounded. The gazes of the two intersected in a sort of unspoken solidarity.    
Then Adrienne asked him in a whispering tone: “Does that mean that we don’t have any chance to win, to change something for the better?”

“I wouldn’t say it like that. I am convinced that progress will come. Maybe we won’t witness it anymore, but that doesn’t matter. What does matter is that we made a step in to the right direction, regardless of how this battle will end”, he replied. 

Combeferre laid his hand on her shoulder and then he walked away through the door and joined Enjolras. Adrienne remained where she stood, absorbed in thoughts. Then she took her usual place on the windowsill, opened her notebook and added this fateful new information. Below that she added a few more lines.

_ While this situation may seem hopeless, it would be wrong to give up or say that all we did was in vain. To understand the importance of what is happening today, one needs to see it in the greater context, as our goal probably goes far beyond the dimension of a single human life and perhaps it will make sense only once we won’t be there anymore. But this doesn’t matter, as we are doing what we have to do not for ourselves but for the greater good of humanity.  _

As she sat there and wrote, she also observed the discussion happening outside. Whenever someone said something she considered to be meaningful, she wrote it down. Everyone wanted to stay till the bitter end, it seemed. Someone said:  **“Citizens, let us offer the protests of corpses. Let us show that, if the people abandon the republicans, the republicans do not abandon the people.”** Adrienne would never forget this words that this unknown man had said. She hadn’t recognized him in the dark and also she didn’t seem to know his voice. Yet it was the content of his words that made her get goose pimples. And everyone seemed to agree. Everyone except one. 

**“Why all?” said Enjolras. “The position is good; the barricade is fine. Thirty men are enough. Why sacrifice forty?”**

And as they still insisted to stay, he added: “ **Citizens** , the Republic  **is not rich enough in men to indulge in useless expenditure of them. Vain-glory is waste. If the duty of some is to depart, that duty should be fulfilled like any other.”**

Adrienne wrote down these words, as they made sense to her, although she herself couldn’t imagine going away now either. 

She continued to listen to the discussion that arose from the assumption that perhaps one could not even get out of here safely anymore, that sooner or later you might risk running into some guard, an encounter that would likely result in death for the one who is trying to escape this. But thankfully Enjolras and Combeferre seemed to be able to think strategically enough to find a solution even to this problem and entered the tap-room once again where they went for the four uniforms that Enjolras had previously laid aside. 

**“With this uniform,” said Enjolras, “you can mingle with the ranks and escape; here is enough for four.”**

But still no one seemed to be willing to leave this barricade upon his own choice. This caused Combeferre to give a powerful speech of which Adrienne noted some parts in her notebook. 

**_You must have a little pity. Do you know what the question is here? It is a question of women._ **

**_You want to get yourselves killed, so do I—I, who am speaking to you; but I do not want to feel the phantoms of women wreathing their arms around me. Die, if you will, but don’t make others die._ **

**_When one supports one’s relatives by one’s toil, one has not the right to sacrifice one’s self. That is deserting one’s family._ **

**_Friends, have a care, have mercy. Women, unhappy women, we are not in the habit of bestowing much thought on them. We trust to the women not having received a man’s education, we prevent their reading, we prevent their thinking, we prevent their occupying themselves with politics; will you prevent them from going to the dead-house this evening, and recognizing your bodies?_ **

**_I know well that courage is required to leave, that it is hard; but the harder it is, the more meritorious._ **

**_My friends, there is a morrow; you will not be here to-morrow, but your families will; and what sufferings!_ **

**_I repeat, it is a question of women, it concerns mothers, it concerns young girls, it concerns little children. Who is talking to you of yourselves? We know well what you are; we know well that you are all brave, parbleu! we know well that you all have in your souls the joy and the glory of giving your life for the great cause; we know well that you feel yourselves elected to die usefully and magnificently, and that each one of you clings to his share in the triumph. Very well. But you are not alone in this world. There are other beings of whom you must think. You must not be egoists._ **

How right he was, thought Adrienne. It is the families, the women, the children that have to live with the consequences. She knew from first experience how it was to be treated as a child even as an adult. And she knew how lucky she was to be born into a relatively wealthy family and she thought about the women who whose destiny was less promising than hers. She thought: they can deprive us of education, knowledge, they can exclude us from political decision, but men can’t shield us from the consequences of their acts. 

Adrienne wrote down also these thoughts, and realized in the last moment that she should not reveal her gender in this text and wrote men and women instead. 

It was that part of the speech that spoke to her the most, because she read it also as a critical statement towards the way women are treated in this society, even though he didn’t think of an alternative, but he sure was conscient in how men obstruct women in this society. Oh how much she would have loved to discuss this matter with Combeferre in calm! And yet she knew that probably she would never have such a in depth discussion with Combeferre anymore.

And also the general message of Combeferre’s speech resonated with Adrienne. Of course he maybe exaggerated a bit. A man’s death on this barricade didn’t need to result necessarily in the sister’s prostitution or the child’s starvation. But then again he wasn’t inventing these examples of nowhere. He had personally seen all of this misery during his practise in the hospital. Fact is that it can be hard to survive in this society even without sacrificing yourself on the barricade, Adrienne knows about the struggles that Marie and Marcel and their families face on a daily basis. And there are people even poorer than them. And when the man is the main earner of the family, his death of course increases the misery a family is exposed to. And in this case it is reasonable to step down and go away from this barricade, even though it probably requires more courage than to stay, as it may seem as treason. But this is not what it is, when staying means getting killed and betraying the family instead. It is reasonable to go and fight the less noble and yet more essential battle of daily life when the family relies on the man’s support. Their barricade will go into history even so.

As she was sitting there thinking about these things, a new discussion broke out, where everyone thinks that the other has more right to go away, that his reasons to leave are more noble than his own ones. 

**“Make haste,” said Courfeyrac, “in another quarter of an hour it will be too late.”**

**“Citizens,” pursued Enjolras, “this is the Republic, and universal suffrage reigns. Do you yourselves designate those who are to go.”**

She kept herself at a distance, hoping that no one would think of her, or more precisely Adrien. After all she couldn’t change into such an uniform without her disguise being noticed, her true identity revealed. Confronted with the fates of these men her own existence seemed to her without any significance. She had no right to deprive them and their families from their lives. She did not have any responsibilities for anyone besides herself, on the opposite, she herself was an adult that was still treated like a child, treated like a minor. And at this very moment she decides about her fate all on her own for the first time. The idea of going back into her old life once this barricade would have fallen and her friends be dead is inimaginable to her. If her friends would die, she wanted to die as well… 

Adrienne was relieved to see Marcel among the ones they had chosen. She could not imagine what a loss it would be for Marie to lose them both. That way at least one of them would hopefully get himself to safety. And he had a woman and four children. He was one of these men that had a responsibility for other beings. He was one of the man that Combeferre had spoken about. Among them was also the man who was the leader of Marcel’s group. But there were five chosen men. And only four uniforms. The dispute on who deserved it the most to be spared went to another round. Every single one had reasonable arguments why the others should go and not he. In their despair they asked Marius Pontmercy to designate the one that should stay. And they were all offering themselves. And she could see the helplessness of Pontmercy who didn’t know what to do. After all who wants to make that choice, if it equals basically a death sentence? Who wants to sentence someone to death even if they all ask for it? Adrienne wished for a miracle as she had done it the evening before as the assailants were about to conquer the barricade. 

And just as the previous time, her wish was fulfilled.  **At that moment, a fifth uniform fell, as if from heaven, upon the other four.**

Adrienne first thought that it was God itself who brought this uniform, but then she saw that man, who, coming probably from Rue Mondétour, had entered that barricade without them even noticing it. He was in his sixties, she guessed, unlike Marius Pontmercy she hadn’t known him. But from that moment on for her he was  **a man who saves others** , as Combeferre had referred to him. 

Enjolras addressed the man:  **“Welcome, citizen.”**

And after a short pause he added:  **“You know that we are about to die.”**

The man,  **without replying, helped the insurgent whom he was saving to don his uniform.** This insurgent was Marcel. 

* * *

Adrienne was still sitting on the windowsill, looking outside. It must have been at some point in these fateful minutes when she made the decision that she would not take her secret with her into the grave. Her brother deserved to know the truth about her, he deserved to know that he had a sister. 

It was as she sat there wondering how she should address this delicate subject when Enjolras all of a sudden raised his voice:  **“Citizens, do you picture the future to yourselves? The streets of cities inundated with light, green branches on the thresholds, nations sisters, men just, old men blessing children, the past loving the present, thinkers entirely at liberty, believers on terms of full equality, for religion heaven, God the direct priest, human conscience become an altar, no more hatreds, the fraternity of the workshop and the school, for sole penalty and recompense fame, work for all, right for all, peace over all, no more bloodshed, no more wars, happy mothers! To conquer matter is the first step; to realize the ideal is the second. Reflect on what progress has already accomplished.”**

There he stood on the stairs of paving stones that led up to the top of the barricade. Adrienne who was aware that meaningful words were being spoken wrote down the ones that seemed most important.

**_Citizens, whither are we going? To science made government, to the force of things become the sole public force, to the natural law, having in itself its sanction and its penalty and promulgating itself by evidence, to a dawn of truth corresponding to a dawn of day. We are advancing to the union of peoples; we are advancing to the unity of man._ **

However she also missed some parts of it because just as much as she desired to keep the speech in its entirety she also desired to draw the solemn scene of Enjolras as he stood there, the future visible in his eyes. And thus she switched back and forth, trying to capture as much as possible in both spheres. 

**_Citizens, whatever happens to-day, through our defeat as well as through our victory, it is a revolution that we are about to create. As conflagrations light up a whole city, so revolutions illuminate the whole human race. And what is the revolution that we shall cause? I have just told you, the Revolution of the True. From a political point of view, there is but a single principle; the sovereignty of man over himself. This sovereignty of myself over myself is called Liberty. Where two or three of these sovereignties are combined, the state begins. But in that association there is no abdication. Each sovereignty concedes a certain quantity of itself, for the purpose of forming the common right. This quantity is the same for all of us. This identity of concession which each makes to all, is called Equality. Common right is nothing else than the protection of all beaming on the right of each. This protection of all over each is called Fraternity._ **

**_Equality has an organ: gratuitous and obligatory instruction. The right to the alphabet, that is where the beginning must be made. The primary school imposed on all, the secondary school offered to all, that is the law. From an identical school, an identical society will spring._ **

**_Oh! the human race will be delivered, raised up, consoled! We affirm it on this barrier. Whence should proceed that cry of love, if not from the heights of sacrifice? Oh my brothers, this is the point of junction, of those who think and of those who suffer; this barricade is not made of paving-stones, nor of joists, nor of bits of iron; it is made of two heaps, a heap of ideas, and a heap of woes. Here misery meets the ideal. The day embraces the night, and says to it: ‘I am about to die, and thou shalt be born again with me.’ From the embrace of all desolations faith leaps forth. Sufferings bring hither their agony and ideas their immortality. This agony and this immortality are about to join and constitute our death. Brothers, he who dies here dies in the radiance of the future, and we are entering a tomb all flooded with the dawn._ **

Even when Enjolras ceased speaking, Adrienne still sat there in amazement, looking in his direction, completing her drawing. She was deeply moved by the words he had pronounced. His ideas of the future were good, their visions aligned, she couldn’t express them any better than he just had done. It became clear that he believed in what he said. His vision of the future become tangible as she listened to him. She was proud of her brother. And as much as he had been honest as he had informed them about the situation out there even if this meant depriving them from all illusions, he now successfully rebuilt their confidence. And even if death now was something that was treated as unavoidable, there was no despair, no delusion and no fear in his voice and in his words. He succeeded in bringing things back into proportion, filling their struggle with renewed meaning by reminding what they are helping to create. And just as she had written down earlier, and just as Combeferre had said to her, those were long-term goals, reaching beyond the dimension of a single human lifespan. Enjolras had mentioned the twentieth century in his speech. Even more than before Adrienne had the feeling that she was where she belonged to, doesn’t regret being here, where history was written, no matter what would happen. She now knew even more clearly what she was here for. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> As this fic is conceptualized to be canon compliant, it includes bits of dialogue from Hugo's original work. Especially in this chapter there is a signifcant amount of them, considering that it is the chapter of the significative speeches. The bits that are directly taken from Les Misérables (Hapgood translation) are marked by bold. The cursive refers to handwritten parts.


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In the face of inevitable death, Adrienne makes a last confession to the priest of the republican ideal. However this has unexpected consequences...

Her faith in their cause renewed, Adrienne was ready to accept her destiny. She would stay with her brother and her friends, with people ready to fight for the ideals that united them. She was prepared to stay, even if this meant death. She did not try to think too much about what was about to come. 

As she sat on her spot on the windowsill, absorbed in her thoughts, Adrienne felt a hand on her shoulder. She looked up and looked straight into Marcel’s face. At first she had some trouble recognizing him, as he was now wearing the uniform of the national guard. His disguise was so perfect that she had to look twice if it was really him and not an actual national guard. 

“It is time to say goodbye, Adrien, I guess”, he mumbled, while looking on the floor. It was evident that he was not yet comfortable in his new role. 

Adrienne got up and landed on the ground that was deprived of its pavement at that point.

“I know, leaving must be hard for you…”, she observed...

“You’re right. I was prepared to give my life for our cause. And now I am supposed to walk away, wearing the uniform of our enemy. It feels wrong. I feel like I am betraying the cause”, he said with a sigh. 

“Marcel, I know this must be hard, I also would not want to be in your skin right now. But believe me, Combeferre is right. Sustaining a family is a more important duty than fighting to the death on a barricade”, Adrienne replied. 

“And yet I feel it would be more just if you’d wear this uniform in my place...”

“That is nonsense. And you know that. I don’t have a wife and four children that depend on my income…”

“I know, but…”

“Marcel, please, let it be!”, Adrienne raised her voice. “Think about Marie too. You can’t do this to her. I don’t have a sister to care for, and I also don’t have a family yet.”

“You’re right, Adrien”, Marcel admitted in the end. “I should stop making excuses. I was chosen to fulfill this difficult mission of going home and preserving the republican ideals beyond this day. And as Enjolras said, this is a duty that should be fulfilled like any other. And yet I feel bad for leaving you behind, all of you, this entire barricade that we built together.”

“I really hope that you make it through safely.”

“So do I. But it will be a difficult journey.”

In the end they embraced each other. 

As he was about to leave, Marcel turned around once again and said: “Adrien, I have one request. If there is a chance that you make it out of here alive, take it. Don’t condemn yourself to any sort of unnecessary martyrdom. I entreat you.”

“I promise to give my best”, Adrienne said, with a faint smile on her lips and pain in her chest. 

She followed the five chosen men until they disappeared behind the corner of the building that led to Rue Mondétour.

* * *

As the five had left, Adrienne only had one concern. She felt the need to relieve her conscience because she didn’t want to take her secret to the grave. Enjolras deserved the truth about the bond that united them. This decision was not easy for her, because all the time she had been afraid he would reject her, and that her mother’s reputation would be ruined. But now, in the face of imminent death all seemed so different. If he came to know it now, he wouldn’t tell anyone, since they were about to die in the next few hours anyway. And her brother deserved to know what she had known for so long. Adrienne didn’t want to lie to him any longer. Now all she had to do was to find the right moment to talk to Enjolras. But that was everything but easy as he probably was the most busy man on this entire barricade. 

Adrienne followed him into the house, where she quietly observed from a distance how her brother took care of the spy. She could not deny that she was somewhat impressed by the way this man accepted his fate. She even almost felt some sort of pity for him as they bound him to the table like a package, until she regained conscience about how  _ they  _ had treated  _ their  _ prisoner. And she reminded herself that this man would have no scruples to denounce her and all of them. He deserved his fate and Enjolras was treating him dignifiedly as he granted him his last wishes. 

In the meantime, as soon as the spy had been taken care of, Adrienne thought that now was the right time to approach her brother. 

“Enjolras?”

“Yes? What’s the matter Dupont?”, he asked and turned around. 

She worked up her courage and asked: “Do you have a moment? I need to talk to you, in private...” 

He hesitated a bit, but then he answered: “Of course. I just don’t know how much time we’ve left. Do you want to go upstairs?”

She nodded and thus they went. They walked by a motionless Grantaire, who seemed to have drunk himself into sleep soon after their arrival in Rue de la Chanvrerie. Adrienne did not recall having seen him on his legs ever since. He had drunk too much on a regular basis, but this time it was even worse. He seemed to have consumed a quantity of alcohol that would sedate even a lion. What a strange man he was, not contributing anything meaningful to their cause and yet not abandoning them, Adrienne thought. He was an eternal riddle and probably she would never be able to solve it. Thus they went past Grantaire, into Madame Hucheloup’s modest rooms, in which at this point chaos had overtaken as well. Several pieces of furniture were missing, as they had needed them to build the barricade, leaving behind a mess. And then there was the hole in the wall where the bullet hit that was meant for Adrienne. Now they were standing in that same room again which felt to them as a good choice, because at this point everyone else was downstairs and yet the place gave Enjolras a good overview over the barricade, so that he could observe what was going on and be prepared in the case the attack was about to take place as they were still up there talking. 

“So what is it what you want to tell me, Dupont? Go ahead!”, Enjolras asked.

“Well… How should I start?...”, Adrienne stuttered, as the anxiety and the and the emotions overtook. “There is something important that I need to tell you… I have thought a lot about this in the past months, if and how I am going to tell you that, what if the … There is something about me that you deserve to know… Now that the end is near, and no one knows if any of us will still be alive in a few hours, I feel like the time has come to break my silence…”

“Oh…” Enjolras, who saw how difficult it was for her to find the right words, felt pity for her. “Let me try to help you get to your point. I apologize in advance, in the case I am wrong. Is it that your name is not Adrien?”, he asked, somewhat awkwardly. 

Adrienne was close to speechless. This is the first time that he mentioned her first name. After a short moment of silence she recollected herself and resumed: “Yes, you are right. It is not Adrien, but Adrienne. How did you know?”, she asked, still amazed. 

“I had a certain suspicion for quite some time, especially after talking with Combeferre and Courfeyrac about it…”

“Wait. You talked about me behind my back?”, Adrienne interrupted him…

“Yes, sorry for that. But don’t worry, nothing bad happened. We all agreed that this doesn’t affect our trust in you as a person. You fulfilled all the tasks you were given primely, you articulated your ideas authentically. We thus decided to accept you the way you presented yourself to us and that we would never ask you anything in this regard, not even in private. If anyone would have made any disrespectful comments, what thankfully never happened, we as Amis de l’ABC would not have tolerated this. We thus decided not to question any further and just accept you as Adrien Dupont and treat you as such.”

“Thank you so much for your understanding. This means so much to me and it also confirms the opinion I have of you. Do you think the others knew as well.”

“I can’t tell. We never brought up the subject in the Society as a whole, for the reasons I just explained. Therefore I can’t speak for the others. Maybe they have some thoughts too and chose the same approach that we do, maybe they don’t even think that far. I can speak only for the three of us.”

“Anyway, thanks for letting me be with you, letting me be one of you…”

“I just want you to know that even though I understand that you wanted to tell the truth, that you did not want to take this secret into your grave, knowing the truth doesn’t change anything for me. You are still the same Dupont for me that you’ve always been. And having you here among us has been an enrichment for the Amis de l’ABC. You have brought in your own point of view and this is important. Ideas can mature only if they are exchanged. You have been with us only for a short time, but for sure it was long enough to make us grow. And I am immensely grateful for your contribution to the cause. Now that I know the truth, I am even more impressed by the sacrifice you’ve made to come that far and this reveals to me how much work is still ahead of us as a nation. Where are we as a nation when a woman needs to pretend to be a man to be taken seriously, to have her voice heard, to talk about politics with us men on equal terms? If I think about it now, I get to the conviction that we should have done things differently. We should have incorporated women more into our activism, if not within the Amis then at least outside them, perhaps from the outside by encouraging you to found your own Societé des  _ Amies _ de l’ABC, and then have close contacts established between these two societies.”

“Exactly. We need to make sure that all the marginalized groups are represented. That we establish a platform where both the workers and the women can raise their voice, and with them all those whose voice is often overheard.”

“I am grateful that this conversation helped you relieve your conscience…”, Enjolras resumed.

Adrienne however was far from done with her confession: “You still don’t know all of what I was about to tell you. Not only am I a woman, I am also your sister…”

Enjolras gave her somewhat of a puzzled look, as if she had spoken to him in a foreign language and then resumed: “Aren’t we all brothers and sisters today on this barricade?”

“That of course”, answered Adrienne, “But I am your sister not only in the metaphoric but also quite in the literal sense.”

“But… How can that be? I have always grown up as an only child”, mumbled Enjolras, still incredulous. 

“So have I, until I accidentally overheard a conversation I was not supposed to hear. So basically I discovered that the man I had believed to be my father during most of my childhood, is not my biological dad at all. My real dad, our dad, was my mother’s first and only true love. And I am a result of this love. But shortly afterwards, before my mother knew that she was pregnant, it turned out that our dad’s parents had other plans for him. They had already arranged a marriage. And apparently my parents didn’t have much to say about this. And then you were born...“

“Can be… My parents have never told me any of this, but they sure have never concealed that theirs was an arranged marriage. They respect each other, but theirs is not a romantic love story like in literature, as far as I can tell. But what happened to you and your mother?”

“I think it was a hard time for her, but luckily enough her parents supported her well and did not reject her or something. She found a man who was willing to marry her and to care for me as his own child once I was born. Thus at first I grew up in Clermont, where we lived as a family. But sadly he died when I was still very young. So when I was about eight years old we moved to my uncle’s family here in Paris, where we still live. This was where one day I overheard a conversation with my mother and her friend Cécile. Do you know her, Cécile Laurent?”

“Yes, she is from Aubenas too, she is a family friend. I have known her since I was a little boy.”

“She is the only childhood friend my mother still has. She comes to visit us regularly. So basically it is thanks to her that I know about you. First it didn’t matter that much to me. It was just as if someone had told me about some distant relative that was previously unknown to me. Basically you remained a stranger, about whom I heard from Cécile each time she visited us. But last year, I felt like I was in a profound crisis in my life, I felt stuck and incomplete, and something inside me told me that I need to find you, to move on. And thus I started searching.”

“And then you found me.”

“Yes. Which was not that easy since first I knew only your name, your age, what you study and that you look somewhat similar to me. But thankfully the people closest to me all seem to be related to people who know you. I was extremely lucky in this regard. At first Pierre Moreau told me about the Amis and that I could find you there…”

“Oh, so you know Moreau?”

“Yes, a bit. He is the brother of my best friend.”

“He also studies Law. I know him from school indeed. He is quite nice, I think he has some sympathies for the republican idea, however I doubt that he would be ready to give his own life…”

“Actually because of his advice I showed up at the Musain once, but only to discover that women are supposedly not allowed in the backroom…”

“Oh no… but then you found a way to get in all the same…”

“Yes. But believe me, this was far from easy. To lie to all of you, to pretend to be someone I am not. Especially as I got closer to you. But I had no choice.”

“Why do you think so? How could you stay with us for half a year without saying a word?”

“I was afraid. I was afraid you would reject me if you knew the truth, either because you would not believe me or because you don’t accept the fact that your dad had a child with another woman before he married your mom. Or that you would send me away, because I didn’t tell the truth. I was ashamed. I feared I wouldn’t let me stay with the Amis if you knew the truth, because there are no women allowed. I was afraid you would think that I joined the Amis just for personal reasons. But believe me, it is not true. Or at least not true anymore. When I came I thought I would just sit in the background and listen. I thought it was best if I just came and observed you, rather than approaching you directly and telling you the truth since you might be shocked by it. I was happy to have finally found my brother, to see your face, to hear your voice, to discover what passionates you and what you think of the world. I thought I would come to the meetings just for a few weeks and then disappear again. But everything turned out to be different. I discovered not only you and with you your friends, who have always treated me as one of their own, as you did. I discovered my political opinion. As much as I had to lie about my backstory, I never told you anything but the truth about my political ideas. And you know how they matured over time. I learned to formulate my thoughts, to express them, and to stand by them. In short: with you and your friends for the first time I have felt truly like myself. For the first time I have felt where I belong. For the first time my life I’ve had the feeling that my life has a purpose. You have enriched my horizon and saved me from powerlessness, you have shown me that another life is possible. That I can decide on my own destiny and that the people can decide upon the fate of France. Thanks to you I have the feeling of being part of something bigger and my existence has started to make sense. And I didn’t want to lose that.”

“I get that. But I can tell you, that my opinion on you has not changed. If anything I am more impressed by what you have achieved. But to me your standpoint does not seem less true than it did before, on the opposite. I have never questioned the authenticity of your beliefs as they come from your soul. You are as much of an Ami de l’ABC as you have always been.”

“I could not be more grateful.”

Adrienne had to fight her tears. This situation felt so emotional. Finally she had achieved all she had dreamed of. She was accepted. She had a brother who was aware of their relationship and who accepted and appreciated her as an independent thinking human being as a woman. For a moment everything felt fulfilled and wholesome. For a moment she could forget that she was at a barricade, right at the edge of the abyss.

“Tell me, how is my father?”

“He is a good person, an honest man. Many of the values that are dear to me I learnt because of him. If there is anything I can reproach him for it is that he is too passive, in my opinion. I know he supports the Republic as a form of government, but he thinks that the Republic will establish itself when the time will be ready. But a Republic doesn’t establish itself, it needs to be established. And that requires action. How many times have I argued with him about this subject...”

“Believe me, I know this feeling. But at least he is not like my uncle who thinks that our current regime is the perfect form of government that has finally been achieved. This man has to walk around with blinders, this is the only explanation I have.”

“Oh no… I think my grandfather would be the same way. But he died a few years ago…”

After a short break Enjolras resumed: “You know what, I wished so much I had known the truth earlier. I would have loved to get to know you for real. And even though I don’t really know you yet, I feel that we have a lot in common and that I know you for ages. And that even though we did not grow up together!”

“You are so right. Finally I have found not only the sibling I’ve always dreamed of, but also someone I can relate to, someone who truly understands me. This is so meaningful.”

“I wish this was a normal day and that we could just go on like that and speak about all the things we could not for the integrity of our lives… But instead we are at an abandoned barricade and looking into the face of death”, observed Enjolras with a suddenly changed voice. 

He fell silent and turned to the window and looked at the barricade and the yet empty street on its other side and the dawn that was about to show its first signs. 

“Adrienne?”, he resumed after carefully contemplating his next words. 

“Yes?” Adrienne answered, surprised to be called by her first name the first time. 

“This is not easy for me to ask. But could you please leave this barricade as long as it is still possible?”

This question hit Adrienne like a slap in the face. 

“No, Enjolras! I won’t leave! This is exactly why I chose not to tell you the truth for so long. But of course now that you know who I really am, you treat me like a weak little woman, who needs to be protected from the danger of the real world. But don’t forget that I chose to come here knowing of the risks this carries with. And thus I will stay with you. To the death”, Adrienne hisses at her brother. 

“Dupont, please! The last thing I want is to impose my will on you. I just don’t think you deserve to die here.”

“But there is no way to turn back. And besides that I am ready to die here. I am going to lose everything, everyone who is dear to me today anyway, so what difference makes it if I continue to live?”

“But what about your family? What about the best friend you mentioned earlier? Do they even know where you are?”

“Of course they care about me. At least enough to push me to finally get married. But this idea does not fulfill me. I have not been born to just be married and generate lots of children and that's it. I don’t want to go back to the life of a well-behaved girl from a good family and never say a word about politics again.”

“Don’t say that. I am sure you’ll find ways to connect to politics even afterwards. The way I got to know you leaves me no doubts about that, even though it may take some time until you will have figured things out. But I am sure you will find a way.”

“But…”

“As I said earlier. We can’t allow unnecessary sacrifices. And if you stay here today, this would be such a sacrifice. This would feel so wrong to me to keep you here. Not all of us can die on this barricade, otherwise there will be no one to carry on our ideas”

“If you insist so much to not waste lives, why don’t you just come with me and we leave this terrible place together? I would prefer life, if I had just you with me. I don’t want us to die. There are so many things we could do...”

“You know as much as I that I can’t just simply leave this place. I carry a moral responsibility for this barricade. And if they’d see me, they’d recognize me, I am sure. And besides that if I’d leave, that would equal resignation, that all of our fight is in vain, which it is not. I have done my duty, and I will continue to do so and I am willing to pay the prize for it. I will stay at this barricade till the end. If the barricade falls, then I shall fall with it.”

“Good, if you stay, then I shall stay as well. I can’t leave you to death here. If you all die, what right do I have to live?”

“If anything here deserves to live, it is you. You have not actively fought on the barricade, you did not shoot. You helped us, yes, but you did not kill anyone. Unlike me, you are as innocent as one can be behind a barricade. I know that, we know that, but those on the other side of the barricade don’t know. They won’t make any difference between me and you. If they kill us all, they will kill you as well. I can’t let that happen. You, who - unlike us - have no one on your conscience, don’t deserve to be sentenced to death. You deserve to live. Someone needs to carry on our ideals when we won’t be here anymore. And to whom shall I entrust the legacy of the Amis de l’ABC if not to you.”

“I get that, but I don’t have any idea if I can conserve these ideals in any meaningful way. Because who am I without you? An unmarried woman who depends on her family and has no connections whatsoever. All I did, I could do because I was with you. In your presence I could be myself. And now I should lose this all? My life was hard enough one year ago. But if I am supposed to live without all of you, it will no longer be a not more closely defined feeling of emptiness. I will feel consciously that what fulfilled me is no longer there. That there is no way back. Never again will I feel so much purpose in my life, never again will I be surrounded by such like-minded people.”

“I am not saying it will be easy, but I am convinced that you will find a way to make sure that our ideas won’t get lost. The way I got to know you makes me feel confident that you are the right person to do this. You are a little piece of the future I envision transplanted to the present. You contemplate a lot about what is happening inside our society and what it needs to resolve the most urgent problems of our present. You can formulate your ideas precisely, and you have your own opinion, think independently. I think you deserve better both than dying on this barricade and than just giving birth to children and following the will of your husband. Maybe one day you will get married and have children, but then this won’t be the only thing you will do. I am convinced you will find a way to carry on the ideals that constitute the Amis de l’ABC, to change this world to a better one. I am sure you will find a way to do so, that will suit you better than fighting on a barricade. And I am also convinced that you will find other like-minded people along the way. Not everyone who wants to change this world into a better one will die today.”

“Thank you for the confidence you are giving me. I really hope that I won’t disappoint you. But how am I supposed to get out of here? Who says one still can pass through Rue Mondétour? And what if  _ they  _ will be there? What if it is too late?”

“Not if you hurry. In opinion there is only one way that might you bring home safely. That you leave this place, which you entered as an Adrien, as an Adrienne.”

“But how? I don’t have any clothes with me?”

“There are three women living in this house. I am sure you find something that fits you.”

“But I don’t want to steal anything. The women of Corinthe have lost as much already.”

“I never said you need to steal something. You just borrow it and once you will have made it home safely, you can bring it back to them.”


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The decision being made, Adrienne must leave the barricade as soon as possible. Saying goodbye to some of the most important people in her live is hard enough, but the real challenges await her out in the streets...

Adrienne was still upstairs checking out the wardrobe. She had gotten rid of all the unnecessary layers of clothing, except her shirt, which she considered clean enough to be worn as surprisingly there was no significant trace of blood, powder or any other substance that would remind others of a barricade. She still felt bad about taking these poor women’s clothes, who lost their entire existence to what was supposed to be the beginning of a revolution. The state of their belongings was devastating already, and Adrienne did not want to dare to think how it would be after the final battle. And now she actively took part in stealing from the people that they wanted to liberate by building this barricade. It didn’t feel right. Adrienne made herself the promise that, if she would get out of here alive, she would not only give back their clothes, she would also do anything else that was in her power to help the women of the Corinthe. 

In the end she found a skirt that was long and wide enough to fit over her trousers, so that she could keep them on and thus gain some important time. She then grabbed some sort of apron to tie it into place. Next she uncovered her hair, letting it fall freely upon her shoulders. 

Then she stepped down the stairs to the taproom, where Enjolras expected her. 

And as if he had guessed her sorrows about revealing her true identity to the spy, he declared: “Don’t worry about him”, indicating the policeman with his head, “he won’t get out of here either.”

Yet the two of them were keeping a distance to the table with the spy on it and talked at a low voice. 

“To be honest, I don’t really know what I should say in such a grave moment”, Enjolras stated, staring somewhat awkwardly on the floor. 

“I know what I want to tell you. I am extremely thankful that I got the chance to know you, you as my brother, and all of you as my friends. Thank you for giving me a new perspective on life. I will never forget what you taught me”, Adrienne replied. 

“It was my pleasure. And the same thing applies also to me. I am just as grateful to have had you here with us, to have got the chance to share a part of my life with you, both as the sibling I wished to have as a kid, and as one of the Amis. Last but not least you also have changed  _ my  _ perspective on the world. That women can be much more than just mothers and wives, that they too have opinions on public issues, and therefore their voices should also be heard in a  _ res publica.  _ In any case I am convinced that you are the one who can convince more thereof. In my eyes you are someone special, not because you are my sister, but because in your innocence you are already part of the future. While you have been on this barricade with us, you have not killed anyone, just as I imagine it to be the rule in the future. Therefore I am convinced that you are the one who can keep the ideals that make up this barricade alive even if it won’t stand anymore. And I am sure you will find a way to address the woes too. You may not eradicate poverty on your own, but I am sure you will make a difference on a smaller scale. You represent our ideals in their purest form and you represent the hope for the new era to come whose part you already are. With you the future becomes tangible, go out and claim it!”

“I am deeply touched by the confidence, the faith you have in me, and I will give my best not to disappoint you and to continue your struggle in a way that is feasible for me, no matter what happens today. I just don’t know yet at this point if I will ever get the chance to make some meaningful impact, especially given the role that is given to women inside this society...”

“I don’t think your womanhood will hinder you, judging from the way I got to know you. You have already shown here and also in the musain that you don’t let yourself be constrained by the limits this society commonly impose upon women. And I also think that, just by living your life according to your ideals, the way that suits you best, you can help overcome these limits and prejudices and take an active part in reshaping the way we see women.”

After saying that, Enjolras fell silent for a moment, and then grabbed something inside his pockets. It was a key. 

He handed it over into the palm of Adrienne’s hand and by doing so he solemnly pronounced the following words: “By handing over this key to you, I, Julien Enjolras, shall confide to you, Adrienne Dupont, not only my own modest belongings of which I desire that they shall not fall in undesired hands, but also the heritage of the Society of the Friends of the A B C.”

Adrienne responded with the same solemn tone: “And by accepting this key, I, Adrienne Dupont, shall promise to you, Julien Enjolras, that I shall do my best to fulfill your wishes.”

She smiled but at the same time she felt how her eyes started to fill up with tears. 

The two exchanged a few more words that were audible only for the two of them. Then Adrienne untightened the knot of the red neckerchief that she had been wearing the entire time since leaving for Lamarque’s funeral and gave it to her brother, so that he, too, had something that was hers. 

“I am proud to have a sister like you. I believe in you”, Enjolras then said. 

“And I am proud to have a brother like you. And I still hope we will see each other again someday.”

Enjolras did not answer to that wish Adrienne had just spoken out. He simply walked over and hugged his sister. Adrienne in turn could no longer prevent the tears from falling down her cheeks. It was impossible to tell as the interior of the Corinthe was still covered almost entirely in darkness, but Adrienne had the feeling that Enjolras’ eyes had also become somewhat wet. 

After a few minutes, Adrienne washed away the tears, put on a light coat that had been hanging down there for the entire time unbothered by the fighting at the barricade, and then, followed by Enjolras stepped out of the door into the streets, where all the others were, in expectancy of the attack that was bound to happen at any time. it was time to say goodbye and leave, before there will be no way out of here left. 

* * *

When they saw Adrienne for the first time as a woman, the remaining Amis and the rest of the men from the barricade were surprised at first, but they did not make a fuss about it and no one of them made an inappropriate remark about her or reproached her for not telling them the truth. 

“Is that you, Dupont?”, asked Joly with an incredulous, almost shy tone, that she hadn’t known from him before. 

“This explains a lot”, commented Courfeyrac. 

“I think you’d owe us some explanation, but sadly we don’t have time left for a serious conversation anymore”, meant Combeferre.

He was it, too, who insisted on her to leave as soon as possible.

Adrienne replied that this is why she stands here: “Enjolras has ordered me to leave the barricade, and I guess, I shall comply.”

Every single one of the men that were still on that barricade appreciated Enjolras’ decision. 

As she said goodbye, Adrienne embraced those she was closest with. 

“Tell the world about us and why we are here today”, insisted Feuilly. 

“Yes, make sure that the people don’t believe the government’s version of the events!”, added Bossuet. 

“Good luck, I really hope you make it home safely!”, wished Courfeyrac. 

“Continue our fight, but not by climbing on the next barricade you see”, reminded Joly. 

“Joly is right. Focus on educating yourself and others instead”, suggested Combeferre. 

The last one to be hugged was of course Enjolras. “I will keep in mind every single word you told me”, she said.

And before she left she said to everyone: “As I go now, I would like you to know that I will be with you in my heart and - given that I make it out of here alive - will give my best that I can with my modest possibilities, to keep the heritage of this barricade alive.  _ Au revoir!  _ I still hope that I will see at least some of you again one day!  _ Vive l’Abaissé _ !”

Before she turned into the yet open end of Rue Mondétour, Adrienne had one last look at the barricade and its defendants, at the Corinthe. Then it disappeared from her angle of vision

* * *

Even though it had already started to dawn, the streets at Les Halles were still largely in the dark, which both reassured and scared Adrienne. On one side it meant that she was less visible, on the other it meant that she, too, did not know what she was walking into. Much to her relief, the Rue des Prêcheurs was still empty, if not deserted. The only person she met was the man they had placed here as a sentinel. She had not known him previously to the barricade, but much to her surprise he seemed to recognize her. She greeted him, wished him luck. He returned her wish, as he was aware that not only for them who stayed, but also for her who left, the biggest challenge was yet to come. 

Adrienne made it to Les Halles without difficulty. She hurried, always careful because she expected danger behind every corner, may it be  _ them  _ or some sort of brigand. She was not comfortable walking around alone at night at all, even more in a neighbourhood that was not hers, let alone in midst of an insurrection with tons of soldiers at every corner. Indeed she seemed to spot a concerning amount of armed men in uniforms at the other end of the market, somewhere between the fish and the meat market. This confirmed to Adrienne the need to disappear from here as quickly as possible. She hurried, as quickly as her feet permitted it, away from the barricade, and with the biggest possible distance to the men in uniforms she had seen. She had no specific plan on where she went to, she just ran. 

Somehow she made it past the Marché des Innocents.

But then something sudden and yet not entirely unexpected happened. Just as she turned into Rue de la Ferronnerie, he all of a sudden stood in front of her, this man of the national guard. At first they both were shocked, the guardsman just as much as she was. As Adrienne regained control over her senses, her flight instinct kicked in and she tried to run away. 

However the man reacted quickly and grabbed her by the arm. 

“Hey, not that quickly!”, he exclaimed, “First you tell me why you are out and about in this part of the city at this particular time, even though there is fighting in the streets!”

“All I want is to go home, believe me!”, answered Adrienne, incapable of hiding her despair. 

Adrienne knew that she was as good as lost. 

She still heard the words of the man at the barricade clearly in her head:  **“And there, you would be captured. You would fall in with some grand guard of the line or the suburbs; they will spy a man passing in blouse and cap. ‘Whence come you?’ ‘Don’t you belong to the barricade?’ And they will look at your hands. You smell of powder. Shot.”**

While she was not a man in blouse and cap, at least not  _ anymore _ , she was certain that, even though she did not fire a gun, they’d find traces of powder on her as she had been making cartridges during a great deal of the past afternoon, and maybe even some of the blood of the wounded that dropped on her while she cared for the wounded. She was done for, if they looked at her more closely. 

And as if he had read her thoughts, the guardsman asked Adrienne one more question: “And where do you come from? Not perhaps from a barricade?”


End file.
